I dont think Ive ever personally posted anything on facebook like this before, as Im not one to typically share my thoughts.... only photos, sometimes.... But tonight Ive come to the realization that Im not happy with myself, I havent been for a good long while. Ive always tried hard to be there for other people, to be there for them, more for them, the guide and offer what I can to see others smile, to see others succeed, to lead and be a leader for them, for the right reasons... with the wrong attitude. But never for myself.... For some reason, Ive always kinda hated myself for so many different flaws, be it the past lack of care for myself physically, the constant hatred of everything positive for me mentally, the denial of everything that happens to me emotionally, the fact that Id rather sacrifice every aspect of myself, to give it up to see everyone else happy but myself is perhaps one of the most the selfish things I commit. It may stem from several different shortcomings, that I couldnt save my father when he went insane, that I turned against parts of my family during that time when they needed me the most, that Ive ran from many of my problems in the past and manipulated myself into the spot that I am today... Ive heard many people say the best of me, that Im too hard on myself, that Im not a bad person..... And for a long time, I thought that it was pity, that they were lies, but maybe theyre not. I always taken the chance to believe in others, to be selfless, but never that chance to really believe in myself. Ive always claimed I hate cycles, monotony, things that go on and never change, things that stagnate and die in static, yet tonight I realize while I find this true, I also find myself a hypocrite and that I practice what I despise the most in this self destructive nature to keep me supressed. Im done with that.... Im done doing the same thing over and over again, Im tired of making excuses for myself and hating myself for it, Im tired of what I am..... So Im going to become what I could be and change everything that forces me downwards into that pit Ive trapped myself in. Ive been to apprehensive and cautious of life involving me living... and its boring.... So... Im ready for a new adventure with a different ending, because I think Im finally done with this tradgedy that I once so readily embraced again and again. Im not sure why I decided to type this, its not like me, but then again, that was the point in the first place, I dont expect to be super social on facebook now that Ive done this.... I just feel I needed to clear my mind, and this may have been the first step in doing so! If this resonates with anyone else out there reading this, you may find some of these thing familier, that youre stuck and that youre tired of being stuck and you dont know how to be.... unstuck? but my advise to you is that you shouldnt be scared of yourself, that you are unique and that you have purpose and whatever is thrown your way, You are never worthless.... Never. I Believe in the best of everyone, time I start doing if for myself, and for those that need it.... take a chance, take a risk, you may be suprised that youre worth something if you just really take the time to find it.... and embrace it.
Posted on: Mon, 25 Nov 2013 10:01:44 +0000
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