I figured I might as well get this all off my chest and let you all know what happened and why I had my breakdowns and whatnot. I think you’ll all find it all quite interesting to read nonetheless. Of course I may lose one or two fans from some of the things that I might say in here, but whatever. Anyways, it all has to do with that girl… Quite frankly, the amount of coincidences around her are nothing less than astonishing. If you’ve read It Could Happen then you know the thing with her name. But one thing I didn’t write about that came along with that is that I was going to meet this person when I went back to college and that there was going to be this huge age gap between her and I. Being that I’m about to hit forty in a couple years, I’d say that’s pretty huge. You also already know about my ex-wife’s dream that described her. But there’s one thing that I didn’t remember about until after I published It Could Happen. Back in February of 2013, during that heat wave, I found myself uncontrollably spouting out a bunch of stuff. All of it was about a person that I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. One of the first things I found myself saying was a description of her; a young, part Hispanic woman (I said that she’s either half or quarter Puertorican. I’m pretty sure it was half, but it doesn’t matter anyways because I don’t know this girl’s background.) with blonde and curls in her hair. She’s beautiful and smart, but also kind of a ditz. As far as I know, this all describes her perfectly. Then I got a sequence of events that happened, and if you’ve read It Could Happen then you know that these first ones are true. I was going to write a book that chased her off and I was going to be really messed up over it for a long time. Then, I was going to discover something amazing about her; something that meant something very special. The only problem was that no one was going to believe me that it meant what it was supposed to mean, and then finally I’d stop believing myself. Well, you should know that the amazing thing is the thing with her name. However, there was more. Next, I was going to figure out how it’s possible that my dreams could be visions of the future, and instead of figuring out how to stop them, like I’ve been trying to research for most of my life, I was going to get an idea of how to cause it. Well, wouldn’t you know, over the summer I learned that there’s a piece of equipment being designed and built right now that I could use a more advanced version of to send my own thoughts back to a previous version of myself so that I’d dream them while I sleep. It does mean that it’s possible that I did all of this to myself for this girl, because I sure as hell wouldn’t mess with time for my own interest. Besides, when you think about it, doing whatever she wants is a pretty powerful message. However, in light of the situation, I’ve abandoned the idea and trashed all that research. There’s no way I’m ever going to let this be a possibility and I’ll take my secrets to my grave. After that, I was going to try to do the right thing by her and she was going to make things really, REALLY messed up between us. Now, I’m not going to go into any details over that, but rest assured it happened. Then, I was going to discover that I was just as afraid of her as she was of me. That’s something that I realized when I wrote my most recent story, Tainted Hearts. It makes sense now why I wrote that story and gave it to her as being something deeper than what I thought I was doing. I’ve always had trouble identifying and dealing with any type of emotion, even when the answer is staring me right in the face. Now, all these things happened, and they happened without even the slightest play on words or stretching of the imagination, but the coincidences don’t end there. Every time I feel like I’m no longer alone in the world, I look up and then I see her. I also can’t explain the unusual fortune that I’ve had since I met her. Also, since I’ve met her, its like I’ve been able to predict the future. I remember telling a friend over the summer that she and I were going to have classes in a specific building that just missed each other at first, but then not so much as the semester went on. I had no clue how that was going to be possible until it did. Right after I met this girl, I also predicted the car accident that I had last month, I knew exactly what the damage was going to look like. I also spoke to Caitlyn Kovacs briefly a few weeks before she died, but when I did, I knew exactly when, where, and how she was going to die. Even the day before, I felt like I could do something to stop it, but I did nothing. And finally, one day, a few weeks ago, I all of a sudden knew one morning that I was going to be face to face with the girl later on in the day. Sure enough, later on she was walking out of a room towards me and then walked right by me. And of course, the same thing happened to me that always happens when I see her face. It was after that happened that I started having panic attacks. I was too scared to go back to the building and then I started getting anxious going to any class, even New Brunswick. Last Monday, I quit drinking. But Tuesday morning, for shits and giggles, with all the stuff that had happened so far, I decided to do something strange. I still don’t know why I did it. But I walked over to my Tarot deck and asked to know in a single card what things are going to be like next between me and this girl. Wouldn’t you know that I pulled the Lovers card right side up. I found myself laughing uncontrollably for a long time. Now, you can say whatever you want about the Tarot or premonitions and how things are supposed to work or any of that stuff to this, and my response is that I really don’t care. There’s all just coincidences and I was a fool to think that there was anything in life but coincidence. I always believed that the universe is just random chaos and all this stuff just does to me is prove it. I really did try to believe otherwise for a while, but it got me nothing but pain and misery. Finally, Friday I came to a realization. Actually, it wasn’t so much of a realization, more like remembering something about myself. Quite frankly, I’m the strongest-willed bastard that I know. I’ve never let anything get me down for long. So I decided that, right then and there, that I wasn’t going to let my panic attacks bother me anymore and that I wasn’t going to let thoughts or feelings of some random ditzy girl dictate my life. In the end, there’s one thing we all have control over and that is ourselves. Unfortunately, I’m even more of a wreck than I was before. Once I had my breakdown, I’d lost a lot of my cognitive faculties, and concepts in my classes that should be easy and that I should have no problem remembering, I just can’t function with. It’s like, all of a sudden, my brain just shut off all of its higher functions. You know something though, that really kinda sucks because that was one of the few things I had left in life since my body is all broken. But you know, that girl was right though, life is truly amazing. Everything I’ve written here is true and the odds of all these coincidences happening so exactly is astronomical. It just shows you that chaos is very surprising. Of course you could say that I imagined them all because of some delusion, but I ruled that out a while ago. Quite frankly, she may be the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life, but in order for that to have sparked a delusional psychosis, she’d also have to be the type of person I’d have been interested in the first place. I think anyone in my situation, having witnessed all these things happen like they did, would’ve had the same breakdown I had. But now, I’m just trying to recover and trying to figure out how the hell I’m going to live the rest of my life. As much as I was always a ‘bounce back to normal’ kind of person, this whole experience has changed me in ways that I just won’t ever be able to undo. Perhaps some of that is for the best. Anyways, like I said, I had to get that all off my chest and I wanted to share it all with you. I dunno, but to me it all seems like one of those things that you share with people and say, “Hey, I know a guy that this happened to, check this out.” So go ahead and share this if you want, I don’t care. Im just glad that its all over. I don’t think I could ever let myself write another story though. This has all just taken too much out of me. If I don’t make any more posts here, then I want to wish you all well in your lives and thank you for reading.
Posted on: Tue, 18 Nov 2014 18:14:00 +0000
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