I first and foremost want to state that I take this situation with the utmost seriousness and respect. The event that took place on Wednesday September 4th 2013 was certainly life changing, but certainly not an end of the world, but only a simple miscommunication, a mistake. Tanya had been working two long days straight at her job, with little to no sleep on Tuesday night because of the stress of her job. She was already extremely exhausted, stressed out and tired on Wednesday evening. That evening, after she had stopped by to say Hi to me as she was heading over to Danikas, I had asked Tanya if spending time with her friend Danika made her happier than spending time with me. This had upset her and her reaction to that question was that I was forcing her to chose between spending time with me or her friend. That was clearly not my intent what so ever, but only to satisfy by insecurity as to gain reassurance from her that I to make her happy which was ridiculous of me to ask. Of course the damage had already been done. By asking that question the line of communication and the language to which we used to communicate shifted from understanding to emotion. I repeatedly apologized to her and wanted to come over to apologize in person and explain myself and that I did not in any way mean to separate her or make her choose whether to spend time with me or Danika. As a quick example, when Danika was in the hospital 5 weeks ago Tanya and I had planned to go to the state fair, she called me in a state of panic apologizing that she had to cancel to go to her aid. I did not even hesitate to stop her. I in fact told her to go to her friend and to not apologize that we would go to the fair in the future. But as I stated the damage had already been done and once it been made perfectly clear that the language of communication between me and her had changed, so did too the communication between us stop. I in no way, as reflected in the 8 years that we have lived together did I ever intended on harming her in any way, shape or form. Nowhere in my subconscious, unconscious or consciousness mind since the day we have been together, now and forever from this day forth has the notion, thought or even desire to see harm come to her ever cross my mind, certainly not from me and I would certainly never allow it to come from anyone else. I have always been her protector. I apologize if my actions were precerved as irrational and not in the sense that I didn’t cared for her and her feelings and emotions. Quite the contrary. I have always, since we have been together put our rational self-interest and her feelings and emotions and our future at the foresight of our relationship. I have, despite the mistakes I have made in this relationship; I have in no way ever viewed my actions as a violation of Kant’s Categorical Imperative. “Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, never merely as a means to an end, but always at the same time as an end.” This can be demonstrated when I was fired at the radio station at which we worked together for defending her. One of her employees asked me to call her while she was on her lunch break to bring her back early to address the issue. I had two conflicting issues at that moment, obey my coworker, and allow myself to be used as a mere means towards an objective that was clearly in violation of not only Kant’s Categorical Imperative, but also violated Tanya’s well being. Especially since the issue itself could have waited until Tanya had returned from lunch and the idea of me merely being used to contact her because I was her boyfriend was wrong in my view, a violation of Kant’s Categorical Imperative. I could have also chosen to maximize the self interests of the business at heart, which Kant might argue would have been also considered the greater good. I chose to instead go with the later. I stated that I would not call Tanya and bring her back in to work because that was a violation of my relationship to be used towards the end that was set before me. I would a few hours later be fired for defending Tanya. Although in a business sense I did the wrong thing I know in my heart I did the right thing for our relationship. Because the long term happiness of our relationship was far more important the materialistic value of making money. I can always find employment elsewhere. In 8 years I have done her finances, ensured bills where paid, feed the dogs, cleaned up the house, on top of trying to accomplish the things that I wanted to do with my life, whether it would be school, work or my music. However, this isn’t all about me, as the last 8 years have shown, this is about her as well and putting her first even at times at my own frustration and sacrifice. This example I hope demonstrates the love and devotion that I have towards Tanya, and that I would do the same thing for Tanya even at this moment right now and if even in the future if she so wished it. Let it be known that I have no resentment, no anger, not vindictive or maltious intend, towards Tanya, certainly not in the past, present or in the future. I love her and forgive her. I have always held her in high regard and I respect her wishes whatever they maybe. I have always been a person who has always looked towards the future with regards to our relationship, so It would be contradictory to believe and as demonstrated by my past actions of defending at places of employment that she had been let go of, when she was falsely accused of stealing by one of her employees, I flung to the rescue, dropped what I was doing, and shielded her from the text messages she received from her fellow employee that falsely accused her, threatening to call the cops on Tanya, I stepped in, called her place of work and stated that they’re employee was threatening Tanya and it needed to stop and so it did. The fact of the matter is that I would never even imagine hurting her in anyway because that it would damage a future for us together. For the last 8 years I have made budgets, crafted a plan, paid off debt, made sure bills were paid, and ensured that both of us could go on vacation and eventually even tried to start a saving plan to help us move out of state safely. Because I have learned time and time again from the mistakes I have made in my own life that living in the now, satisfying the simple pleasures in life, reaching for instant gratification is far less important than investing in long term happiness. A reflection on where I am personally today. I have never been happier, focused and positive about my future and my life since I was born. Even this moment right now, as challenging as this situation may be, I am running head and heart first into this situation to show the world that I love Tanya. There is no place I would rather be. If this is what Tanya truly desires I will as I have always done, support her decision. When she was let go or quit a job and asked me if it was going to be okay, even when she beat herself up I simply said “of course Tanya we will be okay, we will make it work, just do what makes you happy I support you don’t beat yourself up, it’s not your fault”. I believe in her. I can tell you that this is never what I wanted for us, I never saw this in our future but that is okay, every couple encounters challenges in a relationship and I still believe. As in our qwarles in the past, we always equated it to two monkeys fighting in the jungle over a banana, and finally the real love shows when one monkey says “no you have the banana”. This time I want her to have the banana, I don’t want it. I don’t care about being right in this situation what I care for most is Tanya’s happiness. I am certainly not keeping score. The reason I fell in love with Tanya 8 years ago is for the same reason I love her today. Her strong will; her kind, loving and forgiving heart, her ability to work hard and succeed in anything she puts an effort into. It always turns to gold. She is amazingly intelligent. Her ability to simply believe and she is absolutely without a doubt beautiful; gorgeous. These are Tanya’s qualities that make her who she is when I reflect on her character. These are the reasons why I love her. If this is what she truly desires, I want her to know, that the 8 years we spent together she took a good man, and made me a better man. I can never be angry for someone for that. I am a better man to this day because of Tanya because she was there for me, when I fell she stayed by my side. Let it be known that as I walk out this court room today, that although Tanya has clearly stated that her door is shut to me, mine is still open to her. She was my best friend. My monkey. I trust her more than anyone on this planet. And if she ever needs anything, I would never hesitate to help her if she asked no matter what the cost, this is the attitude I have had since day one, now, and forever. I have certainly made some mistakes in this relationship, but the one thing I would never do is harm Tanya.
Posted on: Fri, 20 Sep 2013 17:56:12 +0000
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