I have an unusual style of dress outside of my work environment, and Im always being stopped by women who comment on whatever Im wearing, usually in a slightly incredulous Oh, my God, that outfit is amazeballs way. They love my jacket, they want to know where I got my glasses, we joke around about how once I hit 40, I thought it was time to get even braver with my style choices. The interactions have, so far, been pleasant, and I dont mind being noticed. Heck, thats kind of the idea. When I compliment women, Im extremely mindful of the culture and always, always, always keep the compliments to matters of style. Great pair of glasses, outrageous hairdo, a tee shirt for a band I used to like 20 years ago, that sort of thing. I dont ever talk to anyone who hasnt made an outrageous or interesting fashion choice, and I never compliment anything on their physical person except the occasional wild haircut. Most importantly, these kinds of compliments are gender-blind. I compliment men every bit as often as I do women. Young, old, whatever. I feel like I failed a little this morning in defending (inadequately) a friend who is a huge crusader against street harassment by explaining away a biting comment she made to a client/friend as her being passionate and misunderstanding his intent in making a comment about turning up the charm when speaking to someone. Lots of guys are completely inappropriate and its a huge pain in the ass (as well as flat-out-scary) to some women who have to deal with the pricklier members of my gender. The fella in this equation is a super gregarious, charming guy and not some kind of leering weirdo, but she didnt know that based on his response and had kind of given him both barrels. Anyway, Im just here to say that I understand both sides of the fight that ensued on the thread and that if youve ever been weirded out by a compliment, its your absolute right as a woman to say I didnt like that, and that if youre an inarticulate guy who cant find something better to tell a stranger than Nice rack, toots, you should probably work on yourself and stop scaring the crap out of women. That said, I also believe that some very nice men are out there who dont mean to be creepy when they relay a compliment or try to start a conversation. Some of us were brought up in a time when it was our job to start all the conversations and do the asking out except when it came to Sadie Hawkins dances, and know what a no thanks, verbal or implied, means. This isnt a not all men thing. I just think we could all stand to be a little more understanding about perspective. Its spooky out there, and islands of kindness and feel-goodery are under threat from the rising tide of both jerkdom and generalized reactive behavior. Simple checklist: Am I being a d-bag by saying something? Am I throwing out lines instead of being authentic? Is this an appropriate time to interact? Am I chasing someone whos drawn inward or focused on something other than making eye contact, smiling, and generally indicating theyre receptive to being spoken to? Also, dont be afraid to say something to someone whos being inappropriate or aggro with a woman. Theyre not helpless, but part of being a man is teaching other men whats socially acceptable behavior.
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 23:36:33 +0000
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