I have worked very hard to regain the weight I lost post fire/ post having my heart broken and trust shattered by my exboyfriend and lifelong friend. Both of these events rocked my world and my faith that I am ok I have come to know that in a moment all that you thought to be your world can be callously ripped away That there is no sanctuary and that even my very kind heart and true love isnt good enough. The fire took from me the ability to feel safe and the knowledge that I have a home that is mine where I can always be myself without judgement. My safe haven from the storm. My lighthouse in the night guiding me safely past the jagged rocks and onto firm ground. It was my Grams home and the place I could always find the true spirit of our family. It was my childhood home, my current home and my happy place where I was always welcome regardless of my flaws, faults, and failures. I miss this amazing Neverland and the company kept there within those fine imperfect walls. Many fine memories held within them and now without those walls to hold them I feel they have blown into the wind as they elude me now. The land is not all that was left scarred that day. I too am charred and burnt. My very soul has been left ashen, darkened, empty with the exception of the sad and hurt left behind by the flames that brought me to this uncomfortable foreign landscape I now reside. Still homeless, afraid, and unsure I have found no easy fix or firm footing as of yet, but I see glimpses of the trusting loving kind girl I once was in the mirror from time to time. I have began to hope and believe that perhaps one day she and I will reunite, and I shall once more feel secure admits this chaos called life. As for the betrayal by my friend and love I doubt I will ever recover from the sting of his rejection and cruelty, but I will not allow it to taint my kind nature or keep me from loving again if my Finn should ever cross my path. I gave him my loyalty, my love, my devotion, my tender kind heart. I catered to him, nurtured him, babied him, stroked his ego, and waited on him so that he never had to work once he was home. I did these things because I am an awesome loyal friend and lover and because I believed he despite his many flaws truly cared for me. Just because he did not I cannot allow it to destroy my self esteem as it has my heart. 36 years I was his friend and even in times of disdain and anger I came through for him. It was this betrayal that truly has been my hardship and it is difficult to forgive much-less forget. I keep trying to let it go as I know it is poison and surely will kill me should I continue to drink it. I cannot cradle my heart away so that it cannot be broken again. I WILL continue to trust, to love, to put myself all out there so that my heart can be torn, damaged and broken again I may not be HIS Huckleberry, but I KNOW I am someday going to be someones Huckleberry. I KNOW that somewhere along the rivers bank my FInn sits lazily fishing in the sun waiting for me to join him. I KNOW that when our paths cross we will be one anothers soft place to fall in this sharp harsh world. I KNOW that someday we will climb aboard our finely made raft and we will begin our epic amazing adventure together. I KNOW that as springs gentle breeze carries us into our future we will be eager, kind, loving, devoted and content because together we know we can face all things. I may be different from lifes tumultuous unexpected events and betrayals but I am trying to continue on this path my Heavenly Father has put me on. I look for a way through this darkness and back into the glorious light of Fathers love for me. He carries me and I am thankful for that. I feel his loving arms as he holds me I am thankful to my parents for taking me in and giving me a safe warm place to rest my weary head and heart I am thankful for my family, friends, and to the strangers who in my time of need came readily and happily to my aid. I am thankful that I drove out of the darkness and flames and into blue skies that day. Blue skies Nothing but blue skies Blue skies Shining on me I know I am blessed and lucky I know I will find my way home again
Posted on: Mon, 14 Apr 2014 05:26:09 +0000
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