I read an article earlier today that really got me thinking. One of the subjects of the article was over the question how many children do you have? The discussion wound around to whether it is offensive to ask this question ... especially when it comes to parents who have lost children. From my perspective, I never found this question offensive when I didnt have children and I certainly dont find it offensive now I am a ... ???? .... Ah, see there, that is maybe where the problem lies? That our society doesnt have a word for us, by us - I mean a parent who has lost a child, no matter at what stage of pregnancy or life, Are you married? - to answer I am a widow, is perfectly acceptable ., but do you have children? ... Theres no word to the end of such a simple phrase as I am a ... society has yet to find us the word for this sentence. Even a baby on its way after child loss now has its own acceptable term, our soon to be here baby is know as a rainbow baby - to explain in simple terms, after a terrible storm, there are still storm clouds around but a rainbow can come and give hope I honestly dont see the question do you have children or how many children do you have, as offensive. I myself have asked new people I meet this question and still do today ... Its a common a question as what do you do for a living or where do you live? To be honest, it wouldnt cross my mind, not to ask this question to a new person in my life. One thing I will say though, is if you are not ready for something other than the general yes or no answer, pretend not to look too shocked when someone responds with I have 2 children but lost my little girl a while ago or we cant have children or even we made the decision not to have children - these are all perfectly normal acceptable answers in this day and age. The stigma to child loss is still very much attached to all of our lives, the difference is that now, more people are beginning to accept that it is fine to say you have lost a child, or are struggling to conceive or ultimately made that life choice not to have children. What is wrong though is the concept that people still feel the need to judge people on whatever response they give other than the expected answer of yes, I have one, two.. three...children. People will always judge no matter what answer is given, you hear often of people saying that they have 1 child, but then the next question will be, so when are you having another? - what they should be saying is ah, thats lovely, how old is he/she? Etc, not putting them down because they have just one child... It could be through a choice of their own or no choice of their own that they have 1 child or no children. The fact is, in todays society, there are so many different types of families that we should all learn to be not so judgemental about other peoples situations but be ready not to get a standard expected answer. I would never ever deny my daughters existence by responding I have one child (when Millies brother is here) my answer to this question will always be I have 2 children, a daughter that we lost unexpectedly and a son - this is completely my choice to respond this way, I certainly wouldnt deny Millies existence as not to offend anyones feelings in case I upset them by mentioning I had lost a child - this is how society is changing because unfortunately even 10 years ago a lot more people chose not to discuss child loss like a lot of grieving parents do today, this stigma is changing for the better. Our opinion is of the same when it comes to how we will bring our son up, he will know that he is not an only child, he is a second child and he has a big sister and he will know everything about her. He will be brought up to know that he is from a family of 4, not 3 - no matter how many forms try to deny us of not having more than one child if we have lost one (you wouldnt believe how many forms I have scribbled on explaining that we have a daughter but she has passed way - because I have yet to come across one that gives you an option to tick a box saying you have lost a child, they seem to like to deem you not a parent anymore... Theres that problem again, no word for us, there is always a box to tick for widow/er) ... Although, some child loss parents do find it easier not to mention their child loss in new situations and again, that is completely their choice, I dont have the right to say that they are wrong for doing that and I dont have the right to say that the way in which we discuss our daughter not being here is the correct thing to do, the thing is, is that we all discuss it differently because we are all individual humans, not robots. The one thing that the majority of grieving parents probably do agree on though is that until you have walked a day in our shoes (which ultimately we collectively agree that we wouldnt wish upon on our worst enemy) - that the worst thing you could do is offer your opinion on how we should grieve - unless you have experienced child loss. Child loss is a completely different experience, like no other, you cannot compare it to any other type of loss, in fact it is just not comparable at all , no matter how much people would like to think it is. Im going off on a tangent here and I could write all night. So what am I ultimately saying? Im saying, dont be afraid to ask that question, people will respond in a way in which they feel most comfortable, you will not be the first person to ask this question - but dont judge the answer that they give or the manner in which they give it in ... Unfortunately, you might be on the end of this question that you dont want to be one day, you will know in an instant how you want to answer but you will also know that you wont want to be judged on your response, whats that old saying? Treat people in the way in which you would like to be treated yourself x
Posted on: Tue, 30 Dec 2014 20:48:16 +0000
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