I think at some point in time in my life, I had the idea of myself as nothing more than a complex battery. I observed, I processed, and I hopefully lessened the unrest in the people that surrounded me. The less necessary that was, the less I interacted with a person in general. They had their own battery, it either came with their kit or the went the smart way with the rechargeable ones. Either way, I had imagined that if I could store that pain and that hurt that I was collecting, hopefully I could in turn purify it. I locked into it, and have skirted around the realization of the pattern for years. It is not that I wanted to feel that sadness, I had hoped by being removed from the direct source of it that it could in turn serve to weaken the state of sorrow I saw prevaliant in those I chose to care about. Like wanting to fix them, but with them using thier own power to do so ultimately, somehow more primal in nature. It afforded me to know a bit more about other aspects of the human condition and was hella disorenting. (If you have made it this far, congrats. I love you, and probably a little bit more than anyone who gave up in the first stretch, so you win a personal aside. I am pretty much live processing a thought because why not? I love getting to know HOW people think, and I bet you do too.) Getting lost in all this processing was immediate. By the time I had even a guess that I was just instinctively driven to even think about my interactions that way, I was well into high school and breaking the first few layers off of my third solid group of school friends, having at least one small aspect of what I was chasing in every relationship I maintained in my personal life. I loved it. I FELT important. Even if I wasnt in the slightest, I felt like in some way my love may have helped prolong or lessen the bereavement of a tragedy that seemed ever impending on these peoples lives. It was assumptious and rude in the long run, and when I woke up having graduated high school with a pHd in first person pharmacology barely any of the relationships I had forged were really worth it. Slowly, I started breaking away from the traplike experiments and started immediately latching onto the people that seemed to be still heading steadily forward and not backward or sideways. Hell, I even took diagional for a while. I told myself there would be time to learn who I was and learn how to love myself in a different than physical way, and pushed it off and spun my wheels for years. Now i am 24, and it is 4 in the morning. Looking back on everything, I have been a dumb ass kid. I have learned you dont have to trade people a piece of your happiness to help alleviate thier sorrow. Nobody gets thier rocks off asking others for help, and so e part of me still deeply wants to find a way to do so before anyone even asks. Even if I dont know you, and instead of just doing it telling myself it is getting me one step to BEING that person and feeling like it all the while just motioning through it all. I have met some beautiful people, and I would like to be able to remember ALL of you before this next quarter century flies away from me. Forever in love with SOMETHING. Forever somewhat yours, Damian
Posted on: Sat, 31 May 2014 09:10:41 +0000
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