I think my dog Ladybug is a malicious farter. She has been absolutely destroying the living room recently and to the point I honestly think it has affected the color of the paint. Ill be sitting there, minding my own business, and it will hit me. The oily stench fills my nose and my eyes sting as if Im cutting onions. And I have no recourse except to yell, Oh, Jesus, Lady! Have you been eating warm shit-vomit? Get out of here! But, she has such a sweet disposition, I assumed it was an innocent and unfortunate digestive function, outside of her control. That was until this morning. I was finishing my usual ham egg and cheese English muffin breakfast when Ladybug walked in from the other room. She sat beside me and stared at me while I ate. Watching Good Morning America, I looked at her from the corner of my eye and said, Forget it, Lady. This is my breakfast. You cant have any. Then, her ears perked slightly as if she heard some far-distant but irresistible prey. Her head cocked to the side. And thats when I heard it. It squeaked out slowly like how time slows down in a car accident. It was as if she was deliberately drawing it out, savoring the high-pitched purr and the ticklish vibration of her sphincter. My mouth slackened in disbelief as I turned and looked her dead in the eye. I know my face telegraphed my disgust and feeling of betrayal. My sweet, loving dog was stink bombing my breakfast. And she was ENJOYING it. The expulsion drew to an end as if it was punctuated with a question mark. She began wagging her tail, perhaps from a sense of satisfaction, but more likely as a means to fan her stink more quickly into my breathing space. Without another word, I collected my plate holding my unfinished breakfast and my half-full mug of coffee and walked them to the kitchen sink. Tomorrow, Im changing out her food.
Posted on: Wed, 29 Jan 2014 04:14:52 +0000
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