I used to think I was a half decent guy, but here lately I really wonder. Apparently I’m a world class butt monkey. Here lately I got a lot going on in my heart and in my head. I’m tired of secrets. Writing helps get it out, that and who doesnt love Facebook drama. So here is my little rant, and if anyone has any insights to helping me, I’d appreciate it. First off, for years I was an undisputed butt monkey. Like now, I hit a really difficult time, and instead of trying, I just shut the Hell down. I didn’t care; I had been screwed over so many times that I just quit trying. Anger and indifference seemed so easy to me. I did some bad and questionable things, but I only would hurt bad guys. Problem was, I didn’t realize if you’re not very careful you become the bad guy. Unfortunately when you go so far down, you don’t see a light anymore. You stop looking for it. You just slip on a mask and live your life the best you can. You push that other part of you down as hard and as far as you can. In reality though it never goes away, you just live with all these scars on your heart. We all do that to some degree. We all know pain and loss are inevitable parts of life. Truth is I don’t have a light of my own anymore. It is the light of my friends and family that keep me going. That other me is always there though. I keep him around just like you keep a loaded gun. You never know when you may need it. Like a lot of people I just endure, and move along. I also try to remember that no matter how bad my situation may be, it is Disney Land to someone else. Behind the gut and the glasses I am a monster; just not the kind I have ran into and hurt. I only want to help and protect people; I would never intentionally hurt a decent person, EVER!!!! I look on here sometimes and I see a lot of you guys posting your feelings, and personal struggles. Old me was never a carer or sharer. Feelings were for the weak. You don’t cry, you man up. Life sucks, get a damn helmet. Life starts sliding out someone’s crotch and ends with them covering your monkey ass with 6 feet of dirt if you’re lucky. Life is as they say, HARD. In the last 10 years though, I look at things so differently. Everyone you let into your life matters. The day you can’t feel pain or emotion, you should worry, don’t ever think that makes you strong. It means the darkness in you is winning, and the next day you might wake up a monster. I know a lot of people who are good people. Some go to church and others don’t, but they are decent people for all intents and purposes. Unfortunately, with some good people there comes arrogance. There is a huge difference between your pride and your honor. Sometimes good people give you some advice with a hint of superiority. To those people with all the answers, but no clue, I pose this question. Would you wipe a stranger’s ass? First thought from anyone is usually, Hell NO! That to me should tell you, you don’t know more than me. I went from keeping assholes in line at a back water jail to wiping them. I humbled myself to helping others; yes I get paid to help. Just like I got paid to help protect people from scum bags when I worked as a correctional officer. But I still chose to get up and do the right thing and help people who need it. I choose to help people and put up with shit I don’t have to. Even though sometimes I take 1 step forward and 20 steps back for my trouble. Pride tells you that something good is beneath you. Honor is what you make when you do the right things for the right reasons. Honor comes from telling your monster to shut up, that kindness is never a weakness. Sometimes though that monster wins, and you say stupid, prideful things. It hurts the people you love the most. It doesn’t matter if you mean it, it doesn’t matter how much you love someone. It makes them question which part of you is in control. Unfortunately, that happened to me recently. I spoke before I thought, I was scared and angry. I might fix what I screwed up. I may not. So win or lose I will do my part and make sure my love and honor outweighs my stupidity. That is how any relationship works. Friends, family, whatever, you learn. You do better, you let the people around you know, you’re in control. If you lose them still, you never abandon them. I can’t burn any more bridges in my life. I don’t let go or give up, unless it interferes with someone’s happiness. That’s when you let go, because that is not love. I deeply love those closest to me, and sometimes they get too much, because Ive seen too much. I know what a monster is; I know what a man is. So to anyone tonight wondering if you’re a good person here is my answer scale. If you can wipe a stranger’s ass, you’re a good person. If you can wipe the ass of someone you hate, you’re a Christian. If you can still love me even though I’m just a monster that loves like a man, you’re the one who saves people like me everyday.
Posted on: Sun, 30 Nov 2014 00:53:01 +0000
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