I want to start this off by saying that it will be long and fairly personal. If you don’t care to read it, I don’t mind. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been doing some soul searching. I’ve traveled throughout various places in Austin. I’ve taken long walks for no reason other than to think. I’ve explored and done things completely out of the blue with the only reason being that they are new and unfamiliar. I’m not far enough in this journey to say I’ve truly made any genuine progress, but I have come to some self-revelations. They are not unique or unheard of, but I had to earn them for myself. Facebook is a strange outlet to be saying this message, but I need to let go of it somehow. I’m sure some people will find what I have to say insignificant or petty. And truthfully it is. People in this world have far bigger problems than mine. But these are my personal problems that I always think about. They always get to me. And I’m such a guarded person that I rarely talk to people about them if at all. So what I want to do is lay it all out there. Let everyone know a little more about me. That way, I can move on and start to improve myself. Personally, I often feel like a failure. While I can come up with good ideas for movies, I can’t do much else. Physically and socially I often feel awkward and not confident whatsoever. I wish I could act more confident in the things I do, but some part of my brain just refuses. It’s so stubborn. I want to be able to walk and move gracefully. I want to be able to have the inner strength to introduce myself to others and have great conversations. In fact, I can’t remember a time I’ve just straight up introduced myself to a stranger. Usually there’s been a reason where I’ve had to (and usually I’d let them go first) or someone else introduced me to them. I’m so afraid of social rejection in a way that I can’t even fathom taking the initial risk. I won’t get into the specifics, but recently I was contacting someone on Facebook and this person told me to call them to discuss what exactly we’d be doing. But I never did and the opportunity was lost. I felt like an idiot and a jackass. I never call people unless I’m really close to them. It terrifies me for some reason. Not like oh, I’m afraid of the dark (I’m not), but in the same way where I’m terrible at introducing myself to others. Terrible meaning that I don’t even allow myself the chance to actually do it. This problem used to even extend to getting responses from emails. There was one time I contacted somebody I only knew through a family friend about going on a set visit. But when I received an email back, I was too scared to open it. I waited a couple days, but by that time it was too late. I made up an excuse to cover myself, but that’s all it was. An excuse. I’ve gotten somewhat better about this, but I’m still terrible. I want to do things with people. But I’m always afraid to ask, even with friends. I’m never the instigator. I try to use the rationale that they’re busy, or if they wanted to hang out with me they’d ask, or some other excuse. But that’s just me lying to myself. I don’t know why I have set this limitation on myself, but its there and I want to get better. I want to be able to walk into a room full of strangers and immediately be able to talk to them like they are dear friends without any hesitation on my part. I guess the best way to describe how I am would be something I saw from a collegehumor video. In it, a guy goes through “The 6 Girls You Date In College” or something like that. With one of the girls, she was described as perfect. The guy was truly in love with her. But what happened was that he tried so hard to be perfect and do what he thought was right that he ended up screwing up their relationship. That’s how I feel. I go through life trying so hard to be polite in some situations, not get too close to others, or something along those lines that ends with me screwing up situations and relationships that could have been great. Because of these fears, I make myself an outcast. But at the same time, I know I’m not. Among my friends, I tell myself that I’ve become the odd one out. I’ve become the loser no-one wants to be around. I know that’s not true. What it is is that I have constructed a false wall between myself and others that I keep pretending is there and I refuse to let go of despite my desperate desire to break through it. Our only limitations are the ones we set on ourselves. That’s such a simple message and has been said time and time again. But something hit me today where I truly felt this message, beyond just understanding it. It’ll take time for me to actually live this message, but I will do my best. Despite this self-disappointment, I do take solace in the fact that we all feel it, one way or another. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. This person is somebody I really look up to because I think he/she is spectacular at pretty much everything he/she does. But my friend admitted that he/she often feels quite the opposite and not nearly as great as how I feel he/she truly is. He/she feels somewhat like a failure in his/her own eyes. That didn’t change my opinion of my friend. I still think this person is way better than me at most things. But it helped put everything in perspective. There are qualities we don’t like about ourselves. We hate ourselves more than anyone else can. But when you let go of this self-hatred and look at yourself more objectively, you can see how great you are. I’m pretty damn good at coming up with movie ideas and getting decent at actually making them. I can be a very self-determined person. I am often a fairly funny guy. I have good parts and bad parts. As much as I hate my failings, I can still improve them. And that’s what I’m going to do. I’m also going to attempt to use Facebook less from here on out. Not sure if I’ll be able to. But assuming I do and I’m fairly unavailable here, then you’re going to have to call/text me at 512-568-7369 or email me at seancorbindirector@gmail to get in touch. And please do. As you might have guessed, I like you people and like talking to you guys.
Posted on: Sat, 15 Jun 2013 05:41:28 +0000
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