I was walking Bear tonight and thought for the umpteenth time that I needed to say hello . . . so, Hello....and yes, Im still here. I do read your posts and knowing that I cant answer each post, I let them wash through me, so that I can, in my answer, hopefully address the all in each of you. I find it interesting that these days, (and nights) of my life are filled with designing and painting pictures,and that except for a poem or two, I dont inhabit words . . . at least for now, and maybe thats why they dont inhabit me. I keep trying to get interested in my writing, yet its all about the images that occupy my mind. I guess that is why my posts have become even more infrequent. Bear stands beside my reclining body, waiting with amazing patience for me to give him another blue corn chip. He just sat down with a small huff, . . . turning away as if to say; Hey! Im no beggar.and chased that with the Im just a puppy! look and sat down, facing away, his ears telling the real story, pointing back at me, listening for the slightest crinkle from the brittle skin of the bag of Trader Joes Blue Corn Tortilla Chips. I offer him a twisted ribbon of corn and salt . . . tentatively, he takes the chip from my hand like he was kissing a butterfly. I have read a few messages where the difficulty with this time of year seems to be a recurrent theme. I know it affects me, challenges me, teaches me, allows me all the emotions that come from the loss of a year. Its sometimes outright scary, but more often than not those feelings are kept buried in some interior place where no one, least of all I, could ever see it. Theres a lot of stuff roiling about down below. Echoing pangs of sadness, the blur of fear. We can only ignore it for so long, then we give it an identity in our attempt to know it and control it. Awww, its my stomach. Got a bad stomach. Or: Why do I eat so much? I gotta lose some weight Or any one of the endless parade of targets for our entire animal kingdom of anger. Or we just blame it all on stress, and secretly nourish the victim within. At the heart of each and all of these examples is only one thing. Fear. Fear of being unable to do or change or prevent anything. Of being helpless in the face of our mortality. Thats the gist of part of what I experience at this time of year. This, end of the year, with its Winter Solstice and the commercial world saying Ho Ho Ho and seeming not to want to acknowledge that its the end of another cycle. I know Ive probably said this before. However, it bears repeating in as much our journey is more one of remembering what we already know. I tend to forget and need reminding. My subconscious is a master of denial. Maybe thats, in part, what forgetting is often about; denial. Christmas for me has always been bitter-sweet. Theres all the reassurance of love and warmth through family, friends and charity, and then the yearning for the same. Perhaps if I had experienced more of the former as I child, it wouldnt be so illusive. It IS a joyous time of year, while it also needs to be have some share of mourning for the lost year(s). In fact, I believe that you cant really access the former without acknowledging the latter. Acknowledgement can lead to acceptance and compassion for ones self, for our journey, and loving ourselves for our courage and desire to carry on, seek hope and faith even in the face of our helplessness. There is nothing wrong with us that we feel the darkness. Theres nothing wrong with us that we need to atone for. We are mortal and that gives us our strength. Its the way in which we choose to relate to our fear. I forget and need to remind myself, as I think we all need to remind ourselves that you cant really have one without the other; love without the acknowledgement of fear behind our darker feelings. Its winter. A time for hibernation and contemplation, of honoring the vulnerability of our humanity. Of having the courage to acknowledge and accept the dark with the belief, (yes, hope), that it will become light. For it is in this act of courage that we find compassion for ourselves and for others. We find our hearts, our capacity for love. In that we are creatures of habit, we opt to ignore, or deny this truth about darkness as we busy ourselves with the busy-ness of our lives, then wonder at the disquiet in our world, our selves. Here I invoke do as I say, not as I do, for I find I have to use every and any thing that I can think of to remind myself of my awareness and lack thereof. Bear is asleep,offering occasional small clouds of foul smell. 2014 has just about left, and 2015 is arriving with all its expectations. May we all remember that we have the courage and the ability to find our hearts, find some peace, and acknowledge our humanity. May we all be here and now as often as possible. PMG
Posted on: Wed, 10 Dec 2014 17:52:58 +0000
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