I worked from 7am-9pm today. I just got out of teaching a three and a half hour class with no break, a 300 level research course. During the day Ive been fielding questions through email, text, and Facebook about music, the school newspaper (Im a faculty advisor), my online and print literary magazine, a new music contest Im in, and the upcoming music video (from people very ready to see it). To say the least, the stratification, the layering weighs on me. When youre doing it, in the moment, youre in it, alive and vibrant, but each activity takes energy, upkeep, to maintain and give the proper attention and treatment. I like to smile a lot these days. I look back at the end of the day, and I dont have much energy left. And, right when I try to unwind, to come to terms with it all, tonight, after class, I received a phone call from someone dear to me and I ran out of patience. It was out of body. It was like I was watching myself say the words and regretting them in some space outside of myself as they appeared in time. I said the wrong thing and couldnt take it back. That hurts me because I dont like to hurt others; collectively I think we all tug on the strings of an invisible chain of being and the resonance -- out go vibrations. I hate hurting other people and Im the kind of person who experiences guilt and it devours them. I hate hurting people, even when I dont mean to and its not intentional. Eldridge Cleaver once said, and Im paraphrasing, hating others is learning to love oneself less. I love myself a little less tonight. I love myself less, right now.
Posted on: Fri, 18 Oct 2013 02:18:45 +0000
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