Im going to be honest, I have started wishing that I could fall asleep on Wednesday night and wake up on January 2nd. The holidays are closing in and as this happens, I feel as if I am closing up. I can feel a waterfall building up behind my eyes and that deep ache in my heart. It feels as if the most insignificant thing is going to cause it all to come forth in an explosion of messiness...tears, anger, pain, sadness...it is too much to bear. The holidays are not only hard because Trevor died. They are hard because others dont understand the impact his death has on my life. There are those that say they understand, but I can tell that they are aggravated by my lack of being able to hold it all together. People also feel free to tell me that I should be over that by now. Over that??? That is my son, my child, the boy I carried for 9 months and raised to the age of 15. We had a great relationship. He was brilliant, loving, and kind. I will never, ever, ever get over that. There will never be a day that I dont miss him. I know all of the things I need to do. Ive read all the books. I have so much to be thankful for, really, I do and I am. I am thankful for so much. I also have this incredible, indescribable pain that, as Thanksgiving draws near, the pain becomes more prominent. Trevor died on December 9th. Getting through that day feels nearly impossible, even though I have been through it twice before. How can I get through Thanksgiving when my mind is already looking at December 9th and Christmas and New Years? I take a deep breath, tell myself I can, pray that people try to understand and let me do whatever it is I feel I need to do. I dont know what I will need on Thanksgiving or December 9th or Christmas. All I would like is understanding, sympathy, kindness and if you cant give me that, please, leave me alone until January 2nd. Then I will feel as if I can breathe a little better, become steadier on my feet, and have a little bit of a reprieve. The holidays are so difficult for so many who are grieving. All most would really ask for is understanding. If you know someone that is struggling this holiday season, let them know you are thinking of them, hug them, tell them you are there. By all means, dont ask them to get over it! I will never, ever be the person I used to be. I work hard every single day to be the best person that I can be. Without one of my children, though, I am less. If only people could understand how hard I work to be all that I am and do all that I do. A piece of my heart is gone, but I get up. I go to work. I love my children. I volunteer. I try to treat everyone with the compassion and care that so many others have shown to me. The holidays are hard. If I can make it through the next 6 weeks, I will be in a better place. Please be gentle with my heart. Its fragile. Peace, Dana
Posted on: Mon, 24 Nov 2014 00:50:34 +0000
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