Im performing a social media taboo. If you dont want to hear about my baggage, you probably dont want to continue reading this post. Tomorrow was supposed to be my big day. This time last year, if you told me that I was making a big mistake, Id think you were crazy. I was going to marry the man that brought me my highest highs, and sure we argued, but I never suspected hed very soon make it a point to guide me toward my lowest low. I dont know why I stayed as long as I did. I guess I thought I could finally get this whole relationship thing right, and he was often sure to remind me that I had previously gotten it wrong. I should have left the first, second, tenth, or even the seventeenth time his actions didnt match his words. But he was the smartest man I have ever met; he knew exactly what I wanted to hear, and when it was absolutely necessary that I hear it. As long as I didnt ask any questions when rent was due, there wouldnt be a fight that month. After all, he was right, my period would be coming soon. That had to be the reason why I felt so crazy, right? That had to be why I was upset. But I was going to get it right this time. I kept telling myself, next month Ill try harder not to ask him if hes paying his bills the wrong way or at the wrong time, but I never got it right. And after a year of being engaged, I was labeled as ungrateful for questioning why I still didnt have a ring. The fact he was still there should have proven enough, right? Lets be clear on one thing: I allowed this to happen. I was naive. Im still working on forgiving myself for ignoring what was so obvious. I came home to holes punched through my door, and when he told me it was my fault, for some reason, I believed him. He cut his face in front of me, and I stood beside him pleading for forgiveness as he called the police and informed them what I had done. He convinced me I was the reason he did it, he reminded me it never would have happened if I didnt get upset he couldnt find work that month, so I may as well have been the one that cut him. Why didnt I tell anyone? Why did I stay? Because I thought I loved him so much, and I didnt want anyone telling me I was sick, that we were sick. Because I thought if I showed more empathy, if I possessed more mental toughness (a favorite criticism of my exs), things wouldnt get so out of hand. I realize I just rendered myself undateable by posting this. Ive publicly displayed my lack of impulse-control. Im probably making someone that reads this uncomfortable. Theres a reason I dont go outside anymore. Its obvious I have co-dependency issues based on my last relationship. Im terrified of hurting another human being with my own condition, so I choose not to maintain my relationships. I thought I would be over this by now, but the closer I get to tomorrow, the more I remember why I couldnt get it right this time. The truth is, Im always going to love the man I convinced myself I was with, and if he ever existed, Id still foolishly do anything for him. But that person wasnt real. And the person that was never loved me for who I am, but only for what I could do for him. Until eventually I couldnt do anything right. Sometimes it felt so good to be needed so much. Sometimes, that felt as close to love as I was ever going to get. Sometimes it felt nice being with someone that got more crazy than I ever had, because sometimes I still feel guilty for the crazy things I used to do. Sometimes I wanted to forgive him so I could more easily forgive myself. Saturday, August 16, 2014. What a sucky day thats going to be.
Posted on: Fri, 15 Aug 2014 21:29:25 +0000
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