It It is two years today since I left to work for a season in Alaska. I went to make money so that I could provide for the lady I was with and potentially buy a house & start a family. That decision changed my life for better or for worse. When I got home the relationship that I was in (the real thing as far as I knew) was over and I was not expecting it. We have only spoken a few times since & I am still very much in love with her. As a result hit rock bottom. Many of you know that because I was so distraught that I was posting my most intimate feelings here on FB. I was unable to control my emotions and became very self destructive. To be honest, I had been on self destruct for a long time and was not aware of how bad it truly was. Realistically, this is why I lost the love of my life. After trying, unsuccessfully, for several months to make myself happy, and descending into the darkest time of my life, I decided that if I could not make myself happy directly, that I would try to make it happen indirectly. My thought was that if I could do something to make others happy, that perhaps I could affect my own happiness in a way that was bigger than myself. I quit four GREAT jobs and left for Mexico to do volunteer work. This was the best choice I have ever made in my life! In the last two years I have been fortunate enough to travel almost nonstop and still retain positions from my old life, as far as work goes, that allow me to do what I believe is the best way for me to live and spend a good part of the year helping people that are less fortunate than I am. I have also made some serious decisions pertaining to my life that I had envisioned before realizing where I am most utilized. I will not be having children, and as far as I can tell, I will remain single for the rest of my days. This is not a negative thing at all, I believe that I have experienced true love in my life and as the saying goes, it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. I am not willing to lose focus of my tasks at hand to try to pursue what I now think of as a dream I was living. While I still hold some faint hope that we will eventually be reunited, it is not what motivates my actions. What keeps me going is the friendships that I make on a daily basis, the life-long friendships that I have, the way I can affect people in a positive way through being the happiest I can be, and the ideal of doing for others to better myself. While putting this to words it is rehashing many feelings I would not like to feel, I believe it is important to express where I am in my life now. I am SO GRATEFUL for all of my friends and family who have supported me through this, with or without being able to understand where I am coming from.I absolutely love ALL of you!!!
Posted on: Fri, 30 May 2014 20:53:30 +0000
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