It has been a week of difficult decisions. I decided this week to change Tims medication for his restlessness. It didnt seem to be working and he was still trying desperately to get out of bed. He still has enough upper body strength that I was worried he could pull himself out of bed. The episodes were extremely distressing. He would cry for someone to help him get out of bed. Then the anger would set in and he would get mad because he was stuck. This agitation was difficult on him and difficult to any who witnessed it. The change of medication came with a price. Tim is now resting peacefully, but is no longer able to communicate. He can grunt some and sometimes squeeze a hand but that is it. He sleeps all the time. I also made the decision this week to stop all meds except for comfort meds. He is unable to eat or drink at this time and thus unable to take pills. He had been on Prednisone to keep Graft vs. Host Disease at bay. After consulting with KU to learn the consequences of quiting the prednisone, I decided to stop it. He could develop a rash and his tumors may start growing at a faster rate. At this point in time, I feel that this is okay. Tim has also developed some mucous issues in his throat. Hospice says that this is normal as the body continues to shut down. We have entered the final phase. Depending on how quickly things progress from here, we are looking at a couple days to weeks. He has been changing rapidly so it may be sooner than later. I have had months to prepare for what is right in front of me, yet I find myself in that surreal moment. Is this really happening to us? Am I really loosing my best friend, husband, lover, father of my child? My soul is in such turmoil. The overwhelming grief of loss mixed with excitement for Tims real life to begin. Please continue to pray for us as we prepare for Tim to step into eternity with his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Pray for God to grant mercy upon Tim, as he has suffered so much already. Pray for Adylaides heart to be guarded. That God would help her to accept what is happening in a way that she can understand. For me, that I have courage and strength to endure to the end. This has been a long race. I can see the finish line, yet is seems so far away.
Posted on: Fri, 15 Nov 2013 15:42:23 +0000
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