Its been a month since dads passing... I find myself checking our Whatsapp conversation log from time to time still. The laptop that Charmaine and I bought for him has been lent out to one of my sisters friends... and so I still see him online on Skype most of the time. I confess that I did send some messages in the first few days after his passing... but not anymore. Applying my life verse (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18) in this situation and season, I am thankful that God has allowed and helped me to resolve all thats needed to be resolved with my dad before his departure. We did not exactly have a very strong father-son relationship... and I grew up having a certain resentment against him because of the way he played his role as the head of the household. Even though I got to understand things better after my counselling training in my late twenties, I kept remnants of those feelings with me. It was him who broke the ice; it came as a surprise one afternoon in the hospital just before his first leg amputation in 2012. He apologized that he hadnt been a good father, but that he really loved my sister and I. I think that was the real start of a healing process that I never knew I needed. There were times when frustrations came still, especially when we were all doing our best to help him get better and he would seemingly do the opposite - not keeping to a strict diet, disregarding all that we said, etc. Truth is, nobody could really understand what he was going through. As I was packing away his things at home after his funeral, I expected to find mostly items and books on magic, music and martial arts, his three most longstanding passions. I never knew that he had bought so many books on health - books on diabetes, high blood pressure, healthy cooking, etc. There was a particular book on stroke that I found amidst the stacks; I gather that hed gotten it to understand mums condition better then. Given his lifes circumstances and his past, I came to realize that he had tried his best. And more importantly, he really did love us. When dad was referred for palliative care, apart from making preparations for his wake, I embarked on a little project to make a photo montage of him played to his favourite song. I wanted to do it up in time to show him, but it was not to be. Managed to get it out to have it shown over the duration of his wake, and two things that Charmaine noted of the video broke me. She reminded me that dad could actually still see it... and she told me that it was clear that dads love language was touch, because there were many photos of him carrying my sister and I. I am thankful that God gave the extra two weeks between the first episode of laboured breathing that got him referred for palliative care. That made all the difference. I am thankful that in my time away in Melbourne this year, God had given the unique opportunity for dad and I to communicate through Skype and phone; it gave me the opportunity to listen better, and for us to convey our thoughts and hearts better. Ironic I know, but what we had communicated with each other through this medium probably wouldnt take place in physical face-to-face settings. I am thankful that circumstances led us to plan and make a trip back right after Charmaines last paper submission for the semester, and that dads first episode happened before our planned return to Melbourne. I am thankful that we were able to get the preparations done together with dad, in terms of knowing his favourite song and verse, and keeping him in the know of where the wake will be and where his ashes would be kept. I am thankful that we were there with him when the time came. Thankful that we were able to sing our respective songs to him, My Help, 雨后彩虹 (my sisters song) and 恩典之路, a song that Charmaine and I sing to Noah each night. The proceedings of that night have been more or less on a replay for me from time to time - witnessing his final breath, closing his half opened eyes, the long and quiet walk to the mortuary with him on my own, seeing him one more time at the mortuary, seeing him getting loaded up to the casket van, the silent walk from the mortuary to the cab stand... I think theyll probably stay on for quite a while. The heart aches from time to time, but theres the definite overarching thankfulness that hes been relieved from all the years of toil, and that hes truly back to his eternal home, where we would all meet again, by Gods grace alone. I have actually compiled all the updates that Ive ever written on dad into a single document... enough content to fill a book. May very well publish it one fine day... Haha. Thank you for reading this discourse... just felt the need to pen it.
Posted on: Mon, 04 Aug 2014 15:05:32 +0000
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