I’ve had a hard life, God can attest to that. When I was a young child we lived out in the middle of nowhere, two miles from the nearest neighbor. We lived in fear. Fear of violence. My Dad was very abusive towards my Mom. He would beat her for anything. One Christmas, I was about 8 yrs. old, I received an easy bake oven for Christmas. We were dirt poor, so that was an awesome gift. One I had been praying for. So you can imagine my excitement. My happiness didnt last long though, because when we realized I needed a light bulb to make it work, my Dad blew up. It was because my Mom failed to know and prepare for this ahead of time that my Dad saw fit to chase her with an ax. She was running from him through the yard Christmas Eve night. I remember chasing after him, trying to get him to snap out of it, trying to protect my Mom. We were too poor for a telephone so we couldnt call for help. And no matter how loud the screams… no one would hear. So the logical thing was to try to get my Dad to calm down. That night lives in my memory, it was the worst Christmas of my life. Needless to say that night had a great impact on my life. I learned that night that if I was going to survive, I would have to learn how to deny reality. And I did. I went on throughout my life with an unbelievable ability of denying reality. I could present a front that looked like everything in life was great. Nothing was ever wrong, if it was…all I had to do was alter my reality a little. My entire life became a lie. And that was reality for me. Unfortunately, although it was a great coping mechanism, and one that came naturally, it was very destructive. I reached a point where the truth could be staring me in the face and I had no idea. A couple years ago my life reached an all-time low. I couldnt live like that anymore. I knew there was something more. I knew in my heart there was a God, I just didnt know why (it appeared) He had abandoned me. I wasnt living, I’d never lived. I was surviving to the best of my ability, and that was a MISERABLE excuse for a life. I no longer cared to prosper in this world. I just wanted to get through it. I turned to God. I gave Him EVERYTHING. “Take my life” I said. “Use it Father to accomplish whatever You wish”. And I meant it. I was done trying to find happiness or peace in my own strength I figured I had nothing left to loose. And I was right. So I decided…no longer would I try to fix my life and make it comfortable or even bearable. I would accept whatever He had in store for me. God blessed me with a bible app on my phone. This app allows you to listen to the bible. A narrator reads it and you can turn it on and let it play and just listen. I got into the habit of starting out at Psalms chapter 1 and letting it play all night. I would usually wake the next morning with it somewhere towards the end of Proverbs. This became a refuge for me. When the world turned dark, as it often did in my life, I would turn on the Bible. It brought me comfort, an indescribable comfort. I did this every night for the past two years…every single night. Romans 10:17 “So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God”. I started changing. I found that I no longer desperately needed the validation I had so desperately searched for my entire life. I no longer needed anyone to tell me I was worthy. God was telling me every single night, all night, how worthy and loved I am. As I slept He used His words to heal my spirit. Now I must sort out and face an entire life of lies and denial. And I have no doubt with God’s help I will be able to do just that. It’s not going to be easy, but I’m not afraid. Unfortunately this isnt going to affect just me. It involves everybody that has ever been in my life. And not everybody is as ready to face the truth as I am, so I’m experiencing quite a bit of resistance. And that’s why I’m putting this on Facebook. I spent the past week in a psychiatric hospital because certain people are trying to shut me up. Fortunately (just like the bible promises) they’re ill intentions for me have turned out for my benefit. Being evaluated the way I was, for the amount of time I was has only served to prove I AM NOT DELUSIONAL! Matter of fact...Im pretty dang smart!!! These people arent going to stop trying to shut me up. So I’m JUST SAYING…I AM EXCITED ABOUT MY FUTURE. I have every reason to believe that I have a BRIGHT future. And if ANYTHING happens to me, and I do mean ANYTHING, I would NOT try to hurt myself or anybody else for that matter. My life is just beginning. IM TRYING TO BETTER MYSELF AND MY LIFE, NOT END IT. Regardless of what some people would like to believe.
Posted on: Thu, 21 Nov 2013 18:28:39 +0000
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