Jen Gouvea passed away this past Saturday, November 8th. She took her own life, which means that the complete story of her passing is not a simple or easy one to tell. The essence is that she was a very sensitive person who experienced what she considered to be too much loss in her life, especially after her own fathers suicide in 2007. Jen said that she wanted two things when she died, One is to know that I loved people well. And the other is to know that I offered something meaningful to society. I can attest that she was able to accomplish both. She cultivated incredible intimacy and closeness with her friends and family, and she was an accomplished counselor who used the modalities of astrology and flower essences to help so many people through their hardest times in their lives. Part of her offering back to society is her wisdom, depth, & connection to soul. People who shared a friendship, healing space, or classroom with Jen had the honor to witness this. And luckily, Jen and I were able to capture some of her essence through a series of video blogs created in the year before her fathers death: https://youtube/watch?v=RAzl8kqsGkY Jen had a depth of soul and capacity for healing that was more profound than anyone else than Ive ever met. I know that the reason that Jen could hold this type of healing space is because shed been through her own extended journey in and out of the underworld. She was born with a very sensitive system that allowed her to really feel and empathize with people at a deep soul level, yet it also meant that this world was often very overwhelming for her. I wouldnt be the person that I am today without going through an amazing 12-year journey with Jen. Ive learned so much from her, and she was able to open my heart and know what it meant to be open, vulnerable and close to other people. But the public face of Jens story has a private side. Like I said earlier, this is a complicated story to tell and its easy to bypass the messy parts that leave people wondering what more could have been done. Why did this happen? What was so hard she couldnt recover from it? How could I have helped? Well, first off, I think everyone did everything within their capacity to help Jen, and this was a decision that she ultimately came to and was determined to carry out. Suicide has been in her field since being a teenager, and especially since her father took his own life while we were living with him in Maine. We were also in the midst of a separation that I had initiated a couple of months ago. The story I had told myself is that the pain and struggles that Jen was going through since her fathers death had gone beyond the capacity of what I felt I could do to help her. In the end, I needed to choose the only life I could save, which was my own. The story that Jen told herself is that she couldnt live without me, that she had already had too much loss in her life, and shed never be able to move on. In the end, she found that she was able to heal everyone else except for herself. What has been surprising to me through this process is to rediscover the Jen that I met and fell in love with through those precious videos that we recorded together before her world started to fall apart. A part of her shut down after her father died that never fully opened back up. In watching these videos, I was able to rediscover her vitality, openness and wisdom of soul in a way that blew my heart open to fully honor the love that we created together. I cry every time I hear Jen say the following in our of our videos, You cant take it with you when you die. You cant take anything you manifested. The only thing you take with you is the memories of when you were close -- the things you keep in your heart. And all of that other stuff is just going to change anyways. 100 years and no one will remember anything anyways. But your soul will remember when you felt close. Jen, heres to holding all of the memories of when we were close in my heart forever. I love you.
Posted on: Wed, 12 Nov 2014 19:38:38 +0000
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