Jun 22 2011 Dear Everyone, I have been repeatedly dedicating the pain from the thousands of thorns in my feet for the betterment of Khenpo’s character. These were piercing my bare feet and scratching my legs at every step made in three jungles, while three-five days escaping from the police which was called on me by the most elite members of the Sangha... Before I start to write down the unbelievable experiences of the last 5 about days, I would like to share with you some thoughts now when, again, I am in a safe and loving place and have time and energy to go through all what happened. First of all, THINGS ARE NOT LIKE THEY SEEM TO BE. NEVER FORGET THAT IN THE TIBETAN BUDDHIST TRADITION THERE ARE OUTER, INNER AND SECRET WAYS OF TEACHING AND SIGNS. Secondly, I NEVER WANTED TO CREATE ANY FRICTION OR DIVISION AMONG THE PEOPLE IN THE SANGHA BY MY TOO REALISTIC WRITINGS. THE ONLY DIVISION AND SEPARATION MY WRITINGS WANTED TO CAUSE, IS THE SEPARATION OF PEOPLE FROM THEIR EVIL ACTIVITIES, IGNORANCE AND LAZINESS. YES, I WISH BY MY WRITING TO SEPARATE EVIL ACTION FROM GOOD ACTION, BLACK THINGS FROM THE WHITE, BUT NOT EVIL PEOPLE FROM GOOD PEOPLE. AS GOOD PEOPLE CAN TURN EVIL, AND EVIL PEOPLE TO GOOD, ANY TIME, DUE TO THEIR WEAKNESS OR IGNORANCE, AS I HAVE EXPERIENCED LATELY. SO PLEASE DO NOT SEPARATE YOURSELF FROM THE REAL SANGHA, AND ABSOLUTELY NOT FROM GURUJI, EVEN IF YOU FEEL MY FOLLOWING EXPERIENCES ARE VERY SHOCKING: IT IS NOT TO POINT AT BAD PEOPLE, BUT TO POINT AT THE BAD FORCES THEY HAVE BEEN GIVING IN. AND WITHOUT NAMING THOSE FORCES WE CANNOT HEAL THE PEOPLE SUFFERING FROM THEIR INFLUENCE. AS IT IS PAINFUL TO CLEAN AND BANDAGE A BIG WOUND, IT IS NOT GOING TO BE WITHOUT PAIN OF ALL PEOPLE CONCERNED, ME AND ALSO MY CURRENT WRONG- WISHERS. BUT CONCEALING THE FACTS WILL NEVER HEAL. Third, IF WE STAY TRUTHFUL AND WELL-WISHING TO ALL, WE ARE PROTECTED FROM THE DARK PLANS OF THOSE WHO PLAY WITH FALSE CARDS AND THEY HAVE NO POWER ON US EVEN BY THE GREATEST EFFORT THEY MAKE AGAINST US AND STRONGEST ALLIANCE THEY CREATE. So now I will describe what has happened after I have written my last email and in the same day have learnt that at the initiative of Andrea Good I was blocked from having access to the public part of Google Group as well as from my managerial activity. Sorry for not being able to recall if it was Friday or any other day, or which date, as for some days I was on the verge of collapsing from exhaustion and surviving only by some miracle. When you will read the below text, keep in mind please, that the object of all these things has given up her flat, job and sold everything just to come to Halkoria and serve Guruji by helping to translate His teachings and prayers, and meditate near him. I have been working on the translation of the Mahapranidhana daily (as long as Khenpo could be made to sit down and work with us, what needed many times big deal of patience). I have been working on the text with Khenpo and Andrea Good, later also with Mike and Milly, for about two and half months. I have never got any reward from the Sangha, neither any of my expenses, including visas, were covered. All was paid by our Google Group, my own last salaries and Andrea’s private money. This I am emphasizing because one of the functions of the Sangha collecting large sums of donations is to help volunteers to do their jobs, including arranging visas, transport etc. for them. But this never happened in my case, even if I worked very enthusiastically and hard. When I wrote my last email, requesting my wrong-wishers to stop with their dark activities against me (for which email I was even scolded by a GG member), I have been already receiving indications in my meditations that I will be that day searched for by the police and thus I should quickly change my place of stay. I have written this intuition to some of you, privately, saying good-bye until things calm down. That time I still did not know that the DSP, a special immigration police have called the Lama Hotel already, asking about me and my visa, and my whereabouts. I have already informed the staff about Bhante’s threat to do some „legal action“ against me, and I have shown his email as well, so they were prepared for this call. But they did not want, for some reason, make me worry, so they did not tell me this. That evening I felt I wish to visit the Waiba’s again, where I spent such a nice time, and where I made friends with Waiba’s daughter-in-law, Sunita, who was sick this time. So I have bought some tasty sweets in my favorite Patthlaiya sweetshop and went to Piluwa after moving out at dramatic circumstances a week before, when Dorje (Tom) came there to announce me that he is going to „destroy“ all people who criticize Khenpo, as he feels that this is his purpose now, and by this information he initiated a very aggressive tone of all that meeting, pushing me to move to Ratanpuri and help them in their projects of institutions and so on… My refusal was taken as an offense and an argument broke out, involving also Waiba, who, at this stage, was already daily bombarded by the opinions of my wrong-wishers calling him all the time to make him to kick me out of his house. So at this unfortunate events I saw it is the right time to move on, and still that evening I moved my baggage to Simra, Lama Hotel, and spent some nights paying the room stay. But soon I felt „homesick“, as actually Waiba is a good person just very influenced by what people say, and he and all his family were so kind to me. I also loved the children and three beautiful kittens born on Guruji’s birthday… So I came to visit, and all was now smooth and friendly again, and Sunita was also happy. Then D. from Patthlaiya arrived, and in the yard, between speech, he told me that the police is looking for me, that some people from the Sangha made a police report, even if my visa was expired at that day only 5 days! He has learned this from people who were speaking to the police about me. Now I knew that my feeling that I have to escape, was right. I have said good-bye to Lama Hotel people that evening, feeling something in the air, and told that after visiting Piluwa and sleeping one night there I would spend a week outside of Simra. I planned to travel here and there. But now, when it was no longer just an indication given in meditation, but reality, I became scared and by the advice of these helpful people I decided to leave early in the morning from Piluwa. Unfortunately slept too long that morning and it was already light, so anyone could see me. Still I have risked to go through the way which we call „Piluwa junction“, instead of the usual bus stop some fifty meters lower, the „Bhadrakali“ junction. But already from far I saw a blue police car parking across the sandy street, and some uniformed police standing around it, although here it was never a habit for any police to patrol, I lived here long enough to see. Now it is real, I can be arrested, taken to some jail with real criminals and forcefully sent back to my country, and never again be able to return to Nepal and see Guruji, I thought. This idea equaled to death for me. I just cannot risk it! So I turned to the bush (remnant of a one-time jungle) and tried to find some deep ways to go the opposite direction, away from the junction, and somehow join the big jungle where I could feel safe and hide. I was carrying three bags and a tent, as I had a plan to travel a little, also visit possibly India, and all these things were now too heavy to run with… So I hid the tent in the bush and run only with the rest of my stuff, but in some hours or so rushing through in a totally unknown part of the left-side narrow jungle around the Pasaha riverbank going around Piluwa village I have soon lost my sandals, food and tea, pot and trousers… My safety was much more important at that stage for me, so I was constantly running, wishing to be far enough from those police officers and in the densest bushes what one can imagine. There are parts of such jungles where even in the strongest sunshine the many branches make such a dark shadow that it is black inside… Even if it was practically impossible to cross these bushes and branches, mixing into ones hair and bags and clothes, full of thorns, I have already gained experience while escaping from Sangha chasers in Halkoria, and also my memories from a previous life in the Amazonian jungle were very helpful. I could have made some six kilometers, when I have realized that I have crossed so many dense parts, deep river-valleys and all of course outside of any real paths, that they could hardly catch up with me in their heavy shoes, even if they wanted. But I think they did not really run after me, just waited at the junction if I can be caught easily. For any real effort Nepali police is maybe just too lazy. But it is true that in the riverbed, while I was running, many times there were motorbikes driving here and there, what is not usual in that part, as you cannot get anywhere by a motorbike there… Then I arrived to a beautiful meadow, where I rested the first time and had time to think about what to do now. It is very risky to go out among people, to the highway to catch any bus, I thought. The only option is to hide in the jungles some days, until they realize that I am just nowhere, and they forget about me. But where to sleep during this monsoon time, when big storms with pouring rain can come any time, attracting, as people claim, many elephants, tigers and bears? I have remembered, that Waibaji told me there was a Shiva Mandir, a Hindu temple inside the jungle on the opposite side of the Pasaha riverbed (Piluwa side, not the side where we go to Halkoria). So I decided to find it, even if I had no idea how far it can be and where to start to walk. The most fearful was to run through the riverbed at the possible sight of the police officers patrolling at the Pasaha Bridge. My only hope was an expected unprofessionalism and laziness, what is general in Nepal among any officers. I was hoping they are just sitting and chatting drinking „dudh-chia“, instead of really actively searching for that small foreigner with a five –days no visa… So after I ran through the riverbed in a half-bent position like in an army-film, I reached the safe jungle called Khat-Ghat (or similar), where the Mandir was supposed to be. This part of the jungle walked Guruji when He left for Gadhi Mai. It is still an honor to be able to step on the same ground as Guruji, anywhere in this area… Soon my optimism returned, as this forest is really beautiful, somehow very harmonic, like a big park. Little tidy lanes showed that it is not so remote as some parts of Halkoria, but I have met only one group of coal-black locals called Madeshi (Indian border origin), who kindly showed me the way to the Mandir and told it is about 2 km. I can easily guess kilometers, but this was surely not two. It was five times two, at least… But I enjoyed it, as the nearer I got to the Mandir, the more monkeys were jumping on the trees above the road, and the atmosphere was very holy. At this stage I was already extremely thirsty, but just a little hungry. Hunger is always manageable in such conditions, but thirst is a big enemy… I was running from about five-six in the morning, without having any tea, water or breakfast, in a very hot day. Permanently running or walking. I have arrived to the Mandir at about noon, and my first question was to the shocked faces of locals, of course, „pani, pani“ (water)? They showed the pump to me, which became my resting place for the next about hour, I have never drank so much water at once, maybe three liters, and still needed more and more… The water was very pure and tasty there. The ladies who were apparently volunteering there in construction work (in Nepal often women work with bricks!), were so kind to offer me also a bucket with scoop to take a shower! As it could be expected, I became the biggest attraction of the day and main topic of all shepherds and wood-cutters, who gather daily at the pump for water, a meal and chat, before they continue their way to either side of the jungle. I love to mix into the rows of such so called „low castes“, very black, usually Hindu people, who are so simple and natural, but good-hearted and childishly pure. But I was too tired this time to introduce all my family-tree, as is a habit in Nepal, and so I soon retired to the Mandir part, to greet Lord Ganesha, Parvati and the many Shiva Lingams, all housed in tiny temples open on all three sides to anyone wishing to worship. I always felt strongly connected to Shiva (Sheeooji, as local told, what took me long to identify as Shivaji). In the presence of Guruji, and in Halkoria in general all my prayers and mantras to Shivaji were much more powerful and brought much more blessings, so for me there is no conflict between Hinduism and Buddhism, or between Guruji’s grace and Shiva’s grace. I was wandering among these tiny temples, when in some open yard behind them a priest in orange colored dress called in English, „Come to us!“. So I went there, where this elder priest with a long gray beard was resting on a big multiple-use bed (many times in Nepal it is used as a combination of bed, armchair, dining table or desk). Then I recognized him and his companion, the tiny dark beautiful elder woman with a huge tower of hair-dreads on her head: they have been in Terthup during Mahadarshan and slept in one of the big black tents, and when I was passing by, they were also calling me to come for a chat, though that time I wanted to spend all my free time near Guruji, so I did not come. As both belong to the more intelligent and intuitive types of people, even with my weak Nepali we could lead a long interesting conversation. Of course we were all fond of each-other right away, as we all were on the same path leading to Sheeooji. What a relaxed feeling, suddenly! „tapai bosnu!“ (stay with us) they immediately offered, and, of course, though I have been already eaten at the pump, they offered also food. They even sent a boy on a motorbike to the village to purchase tea, so that I can drink „dudh-chia“. I must say that never before did I drink so tasty tea in Nepal! Kalipuri, the sadhu-lady, had to do some shivasitic magic with it J. As well as with the fantastic meal we had that evening, during the strongest rain pour possible: when we were eating white and pink flowers simmered in oil, apart from the obligatory huge hill of rice, dhal and vegetables (tarkari). I really felt so relieved there! Dilipuri already awaited me, as he had some 4-5 days a vision of the same goddess I have been seeing already from the time of being in Halkoria… He told me that I „came home“, and I belong there. I really did have a similar feeling, but I have the same, or even stronger feeling, with Halkoria and all this area. The area is vibrating by the pujas they are doing, and I really liked the honest and serious belief of all the „staff“ (about four sadhus), who are not doing anything just for the formality, but from deep belief. Dilippuri and Kalipuri live in a very poor wooden house, and they are really faithful to the sadhu tradition so narrowly as it is only possible, as they have practically nothing, and even for the tea they do not keep a „baishi“ (buffalo), though villagers take their buffaloes every day to eat grass around the Mandir. But they live apparently only from donations, but it does not remind all those biscuits and luxury food I have seen at some high lamas’ place in the Sangha… These Hindu sadhus had only one torch with a very weak battery…some tiny pieces of potatoes, tiny garlics. This and that, apparently just from what others gave them… The rain was a big problem, as the old house was of course not water-proof… I liked this simple life, really encouraging any devotees to take the religion seriously. I was offered to become a sadhu right away, so I got the blessing of Shiva’s sighs on my forehead, a Rudraksha-mala and orange scarf with Om Namah Shivaya in a morning ceremony. I could also have orange robes, but I told that this would make me unable to hide in the jungle, as I confessed that I had some problems with some people wishing to harm me by reporting my expired visa to the police. For these people you can become a sadhu, learn pujas and any discipline, but you still stay free. No „Rules and Regulations“, no restrictions on the freedom of movement, speech or opinion…. I told I wish to „aunu janu“ (come and go) freely even if I become a sadhu-woman. There was absolutely no objection on the side of Dilipuri. „You are totally free, come and go as you wish, stay in the jungle or with us, as you wish, you can have food with us and sleep, or just go and come back, as you feel“. Oh, how sweet such words were for me after all those inhuman restrictions imposed on me (us) by Khenpo and all those unidentifiable committees and „VIP“ persons around Guruji! „You MUST obey the Rules and Regulations“ is the most repeated sentence in the Sangha after the arrival of Khenpo half a year, and it is culminating… „You MUST this, you MUST that…“…. Freedom? Nothing like that… So delighted by my newly regained free human life, with the Shiva sign on my forehead, I headed to the morning jungle, telling Dilipuri (out of bad habit maybe?) that I am going to meditate and returning in about two hours. Walking in the jungle I found another Mandir, this time with a relief of Shivaji, with a sword in His hand, symbolizing killing the demons of ignorance. I was concentrating on this motif, so relevant to the problems I was having with some Sangha people… After a short time I changed my place for the jungle, and found a huge peepal tree growing together with other two trees, with many loose branches to climb on. It was very-very tall. So I spent many hours in a comfortable sitting position here, mediating happily, when I started to hear people calling someone in the forest, and maybe also „Marici“… I was not sure, but I thought I just do not feel like going down, I had such a nice time. I am free now! Can do what I want! I had a good vie w to the dusty forest road, where now I saw a blue police car passing! Then the shouting of people was even bigger, it gave a feeling that they are looking for a lost „baishi“ in huge groups, or a child, or… maybe me? There was no clear indication that this police car is connected to me, neither that the people were actually searching for me, who was in the jungle already for about 6 hours this time. But I told myself, I just cannot risk. Even a 1% possibility is too big to risk. So I was hiding on the tree until noon, when people went to eat lunch, then climbed down and – as so many times – ran into the deep part of the jungle, outside of any roads and paths. I left all my baggage in the Mandir, including my documents, my last thousand rupees and my laptop… I trusted them, still. Somehow I knew these people would not take advantage. It was though a little irresponsible from me not to say good-bye, when I told I am back in two hours (and finally I returned there only in three days!). But I counted with their intuition and the freedom they have just promised to me that morning. So now, to be safe from nay police, I went into the deepest part of the Khat-Ghat jungle, which I have never visited before. Had no idea where am I going. I usually can navigate by the position of the sun, but these days the sun is many time hidden behind clouds. Then I am lost… This jungle is really lovely, a great variety of plants, trees, meadows, river, ponds, springs and fruit trees… I soon fall in love with this place, and I knew the routes. I knew this jungle, similarly as I felt with Halkoria. It is not the plants, of course, but the atmosphere of the parts of the forest, which is so familiar. Like a spirit of the forest, which I knew. I was though running away from the 1% of possibility to be seen by the police, so I was rather in a hurry (later I learned that actually the local police has received a report as well, so my fear was based on reality). It was much better to run without luggage, of course, though my barefoot feet and shortened trousers allowed many thorns and grass to cut and pierce my skin, so soon it was full of red „tattoo“, and quite sensitive. I had no time to think about the danger of many snakes an scorpions so much spread in these jungles, according to locals. When I reached a nice meadow covered with that most thorny plant all over, I saw some people. Then i felt I should ask them to go to Shiva Mandir and tell Dilipuri that I am OK, and I will return in some weeks. So I went to them and asked them to take my message, so that they are not worried. After this meadow I reached a bigger road from stones, and soon some motorbikes and buses passed on it. So now the question was, which side leads where. At this stage I have already cleared for myself that apparently I cannot feel safe anywhere else, just at Guruji. I was without breakfast that morning, having only one tea in my stomach. Where can I go now, where the police would not find me? It is true that I was not careful enough, as during the day there are many visitors at the Mandir, and some of them were from the Forest Police, from Piluwa, where everyone knows me. Soon the word spread, I suppose, that Marici is staying in Shiv Mandir. Also some strange „well-dressed“ two man arrived with golden watches on their wrists that day, giving me many question about my stay, name, visa, country, which seemed too strange for me (having been used rather to the „family-tree“ type of conversations in Nepal). So these two careless conversations could play a part in the appearance of the police car, I thought, but also did not necessarily… I was starting to be exhausted and my fear a little maybe too confused, not sure where can I be safe and where not, if on the highroad also they can see me, as it is very easy to identify a white woman in Nepal… So I made a plan to go to the highroad, then enter the Ratanpuri jungle, and cross it to Halkoria, where I planned to drink water and eat secretly in the kitchen at night, and maybe get some sleep in one of the buildings, and then possibly spend some days hiding, until the „waters calm down“ in the Sangha and they forget about their plan to destroy me… I knew there is that ban to enter Halkoria, but at this stage I wanted to ask Guruji for protection from his own devotees, who reported me at the police. Quite an absurd request, I admit, but I was sooo desperate and tired already, had nowhere to turn to. And I must confess also the big temptation of the tasty spring water of the „Nadi“ and Manu’s cuisine… What, at such an extreme „spiritual path“ I am going through, I feel, was a big weakness. But the Ratanpuri forest seemed to be suddenly so unfriendly and dark in comparison to all the other jungles I knew by now! What a huge difference. You just cross to the other side, and the colors are dark, the atmosphere rotting, humid, the smell of death in the air, the thorns are even bigger and really all over, the plants are all unfriendly and tying around your body like snakes… I felt again, as many times before, that certain parts of Ratanpuri are very demonic, and Guruji also confirmed that there is a witch living in that jungle. I suddenly lost my optimism, became strongly depressed, weak, my feet trembling, and I just wanted to give up all… I tried to walk along the road in this jungle, but I always suddenly found myself, without doing more than a few steps, somewhere very deep inside, losing the sight of the road. It took me an extra repeated effort to again and again find the road, though I had a sure feeling I am going parallel with it… Then when I became fed up with these demonic influences, I decided to cross back to the Khat-Ghat side and go along the road there. It was much more pleasant and quick then. Soon (in these relations it means in about two-three hours) I arrived to Pasaha, where on the right side there is this huge meadow with many big logs on its edge, before you can actually see the wood-cutters settlement on the edge of Pasaha, near the bridge. So I thought here I cross the road, hide among the trees, drink some water from their pump and continue to Halkoria. Running through the wide meadow to be safely hid in the forest I looked left to the logs, and a huge-huge tiger was lazily resting on one big log. My running apparently awakened him, and now he climbed down lazily, and did some slow movements. I was heading to the forest now, but seeing the tiger I turned back to the road, thinking I am not in the right time of the month now to risk a face-too-face meeting with a tiger. I was not running, not to make his catching instinct awaken, but walked quickly to the road back, and hitchhiked a truck with the request to take me „to those monkey you see crossing the road“ just about a hundred or so meters further… Then I got off, drank and washed myself at the wood-cutters, who were amazed at my sight, a white woman with a Shiva sign on her forehead and Rudraksha mala in her hair, in torn dress, barefoot and only with a tiny bag (with my sacred stones and photos). These are also Madishi, simple but good-hearted dark skinned people, the men wearing beautiful turquoise colored „kilts“. I had a good luck then, as no police or other people were at Pasaha that time, also it was already seven in the evening. Being exhausted from permanent walking-running (I could have made some twenty-thirty kilometers that day), the way to Halkoria seemed to me very long. I was thinking that I am maybe lost, as the plants are now always changing there, as well as the position of rivers, because of the monsoon. All is covered with rich green, so it is sometimes difficult to recognize the „good old paths“… And it was getting dark already, so only thanks to the moonlight I could follow the trace of the tractors in front of me, but I could hardly see anything else slowly. When I arrived to the gate it was nearly black dark. And as you know, from the gate it is still a long way to the settlement… When I arrived, I saw flashlights moving here and there. It seemed the people were looking for someone or something on the road, permanently. Coming and going, now and then directing their extra strong torch to the road, I could not risk to approach. So I was hiding in the high grass, waiting until they get tired of their detective activity and go to sleep. Later I learned (but I also guessed already at that time), that Guruji knew exactly when am I coming, and informed some of the people in Halkoria about me. So it is possible they were expecting me and were surprised I am still not coming maybe… But after like an hour and when the rain started to fall, they finally retired to sleep. Then I came carefully, in total darkness feeling safe, though I could guess that Guruji knows I am here anyway. My intention was not to hide from Guruji, but from those people who so many times in the past reported my visit to Khenpo and other people, just to make me problems, even if I left the same day, or even if I came to extinguish a big fire or guard in the empty gate… At this stage my trust in Sangha people is nearly zero, so you can imagine how careful I was not to bump into any of them. But I lived in Halkoria and I know the rhythm of life and habits of people there, so I knew that when they already go to sleep, they hardly ever return back to the kitchen or outside their houses. This is also a kind of safety rule there. So I was now very happy, though not having a flashlight I had no idea if I will find water, food etc. But it was easier as I thought, and there was tasty tarkari waiting for me and rice, like in a fairy-tale! I was so hungry! I also drank a lot of sugar water, as I was very weak and dehydrated. All my physical needs were satisfied now, and my last wish was to lie down and sleep, though I had just the thin Shiva scarf to cover myself with. But now I felt all as the biggest luxury, and just at that moment a huge thunderstorm broke out, making for me even more safe to stay in the kitchen, as it was sure no-one will feel like going outside in such a weather, and the noise of the storm concealed the noise I was making… Finally, empowered by the water and food I felt so happy I started to dance, put on my MP3 music Om Namah Shivaya mantra, and was dancing in the noisy storm and smiling: „I have made it!“ I slept till about four, then I woke up in alarm as by some outer force, that I must quickly leave, and soon some people started to approach with flashlights from the office buildings. So not to make bigger noise I jumped out of the window and turned to the house where Guruji used to give teachings to Khenpo (the upper house standing alone). It was still very early, all was still sleepy. So I checked the house and it seemed realistic to climb inside under the roof, where it was open, using the frame of the back window as „steps“ to climb. I did not believe it was so easy! In a second I was inside the most secret house, where in the past all secret Thangkas and teaching were stored! But in the dark I had no idea what is in the house, just by touch I recognized something like a wooden bench, which I used for the rest of my sleep. I covered the window by the curtain, which was maybe not the next idea, as I had a feeling in the morning that Manu was watching the window and maybe recognized something was not OK…not like before… Anyway, when I woke up from this uncomfortable sleep, I saw Guruji near the entrance to his smaller fenced site, walking up and down. It was half-light already, and on the other side of the building I saw some lamas standing and looking in the direction of the house… I was scared. What to do now? Will be Guruji on my side, or also he will call police on me? Is he behind all these reports actually? Or is he on my side? But because of those people down at the office he will let to catch me and escort out of Halkoria? My confusion and uncertainty grew with every second. And i had to decide now: to climb, to stay, to run or to turn to Guruji? Counting with all the risks my brain commanded me to climb immediately, until not too late, and the lamas are not too near to see me turning around the opening under the roof… So I quickly climbed out, in the full view of Guruji, but had fear to go to him, I walked right direction from him, as if nothing happened, through a lot of very thorny plants which surely were meant to make my escape the most miserable… And then I went upper and upper, and I cannot even identify where, maybe parallel with the Nadi (right from it), and started to run, as was already my instinct. I did not think where am I going but I had heard voices of the people (not Guruji), so I was running as zig-zag as possible, until I found myself totally lost. I even had no idea which direction did I come from to that place. All was suddenly like a dream, my mind suddenly did not function as I was used to. I am sure Guruji played one of his games with me, and I just gave up. „OK, you have won. So what now? I am lost…“ I felt like a stupid child, who, after burning its finger cries „mummy, help me! “… If now I am lost here, and Guruji wants me to be lost, there is no way I ever get outside the jungle, no matter how near I can actually be… I felt humiliated and started to pray to Him for help. He immediately showed me where to go, though I first had a feeling „but I would go just the opposite from the settlement if I go this direction! “… But then I had no other option then to try. In about a minute walking I bumped into the fence which surround Devdaha, and having the fence on my right side, after a long and painful walk through non-crossable plant knots I finally reached the Nadi! Oh how relieved I felt! I have realized that when he came first to Halkoria, it had to be nearly impossible for him to navigate in this area, which is full of identical little hills, little valleys, same types of meadows and paths…and still he already then walked here as if it was a city with street names and house numbers… So at the Nadi Guruji was not there anymore that time, neither my chasers. I was desperate what to do… I was scared to go inside his meditation place (where the big tree is), and I would never afford to wake him up from meditation, as I myself know too well how bad it is for all concerned. So I was thinking that to totally safe from police I need to be „bitra“ (inside his smaller fenced area), but not too deep inside so that I do not disturb his meditation. So I was walking in the wet green bushes around the Nadi to find some tree which would be dry enough to climb, and would have enough branches to hold on. Though anywhere else in jungles I very soon used to find perfect trees to spend a day on, „bitra“ this plan of mine was just not working. All tree I chose were either too wet or too dangerous to climb.. Finally I found one which was actually a „knot“ of three trees, one of them that type of Peepal or banyan with a many branches hanging down, but this one was full of rotten branches , falling into pieces after touching… It was very difficult to climb it, but finally I found a safe resting place made from a double branch, and in the lack of any leaves around me to conceal me (I could be seen from the path leading to Guruji) I used my string to hand some big leaves artificially around myself. I did have a lot of time, so I could afford to play with this „decoration“ a little… But this day it was raining all the time and I was dirty, my feet and legs full of bites, cuts and wounds, and all my 42 years old fragile body was hurting from the long escape and all those sufferings from hunger, thirst, sleeping on hard surfaces… So in spite of my noble plan to spend the first time „bitra“ Guruji’s meditation circle in meditation, I was unable to even keep my attention, and was soon in a half-sleep half-awaken state when visions were soon replaced by strange dreams I was never used to, and thoughts of despair and physical pain and discomfort… Though in this squeezed position I was quite balanced and I was holding to a branch with my left hand, real micro-sleep took me over soon, and I woke up in the last possible tenth of second before turning left side from the branch and falling about six meters down to my certain death or broken spine… Probably this was the culmination when I might have disturbed Guruji’s meditation, as he is spontaneously caring about the safety of all his devotees, and it is clear that someone who is even in his own meditation area, is an open book from him. He probably did not want me to die in his circle and to suffer longer. So in a few minutes after my near fall I saw him passing under the tree, doing as if he does not see me, spending many hours among the people in the office area. When he passed, I was suddenly scared again: what will he do now? I she going to tell the people, get out this woman from here? Call police on her? Is he going to help me? Does he know at all that I am escaping from police? What does he know and what not? The new confusion made me to decide to climb down from the tree quickly. Of course, at such speed I cannot be so careful, and I held to some of those rotten branches, and fall from about two meters on my back, but nothing happened to me. Then I ran out f the „bitra“, juts to the path leading from the Nadi, but hidden from eyesight. My plan was to kind of wait for what will happen, to be able to react for all possibilities, if Guruji decides to help me, to be near, if the police comes, to be able to run „bitra“ and ask Him for protection, and if the staff comes to catch me, to be near enough to the jungle to escape. But at this stage I was already so tired that anyone would catch me. I was also hungry. I tried to meditate a little, but it all shifted always into some hallucinations, kind of dreamy state with many visions and voices. I have the ability to see with closed eyes many things which are far from normal eyesight. So I also had a view of the animals hidden in the vegetation around me, including the infamous black bear, about which everyone speaks as of a very dangerous guy in Halkoria. Then I started to pray to Guruji, what was probably a mistake, because this might have alarmed him as he is so compassionate to protect everyone from danger, and he soon showed up! But before this happened, I also, just to be sure, found a tree along this path near the Nadi, to climb on from the possibility of an attack from an animal. I also heard some animals’ cries, but I could not identify what it was. So I climb this tree, but on my way up, at about three meters, both branches I was holding to with both hand, broke at the same time. I fell down backwards, actually on the back part of my head, with my neck falling on a log… I think this description is enough to suggest that this fall could have been my last activity on this earth… I was surprised though, that I could move, and actually my neck, neither my head, were not broken. Of course all is very painful now, and I cannot carry bags easily, turn my head any direction etc., but I am alive, and apart from a slight dizziness the same day I think I my brain was also not hurt. This was the biggest miracle I experienced during this time of escape, though there were much more, but all belong to the area of secret things, not to be disclosed. So now I was even more broken, full of pain and totally helpless… I was desperately waiting on this path for the night, when I could again sneak into the kitchen to refresh myself with some food, tea and sleep. But the position of the sun told me, that it is not more than three or four yet! Time went so slow that day! I was lying on a log, sitting cross-legged on the path, walking up and down, tried to keep my body awaken, and to force myself into some optimism, but I was nearly fainting from weakness and also sadness…. The thoughts about my wrong-wishers were overwhelming at this stage, „how could they do all this to me? “, „why me?“, why they hate me so much?“ etc… Then suddenly someone like Guruji appeared on the crossroad to the Nadi. But this Guruji had a dark face, woman features and shorter hair. Was I hallucinating already? I woke up. What is this? Is there someone else who is posing as Guruji? What is this game about? My curiosity now was stronger than my carefulness… And it showed a big mistake. As the „Guruji-no-Guruji“ came in the direction to me, then suddenly turned back as if frightened by my presence on the road, walking to the fence of „bitra“, looking back to me as if calling „come after me“.. But I was suspicious, who is this person, looking as Guruji and trying to tempt me to go „bitra“ even if I know I must not (it is forbidden)… Then he disappeared in the green, and I rather stopped, waiting stupidly and trying to think what was this mirage. What showed as a mistake, as soon in Guruji’s place the faces of the staff „memes“ (old men) showed up, and it was too late to start to run already. But I still tried it, took it right, up to the thorns where I lost my was previously.. They soon reached me, showing signs of peace, not the typical anger, and trying to gesticulate that they are here to help me, not to call the police. As I know them from before, I knew from their behavior that they are really not wanting to harm me at this stage. So I stopped and went with them, tying to ask them not to take me down to the other people, whom I did not trust anymore, as they showed as lying in the past. But they convinced me by the words that Guruji told everyone that I am in Halkoria and that they should help me, and that all Sangha should help me. I was deeply moved. So is he not angry with me? Is he not on the side of those who reported me to the police? Guruji was waiting at the office buildings, and then he spent many hours speaking to me, to the people, and trying to solve my situation. But he also scolded me that I disturbed his meditation, and that I went „bitra“, what is forbidden… I tried to explain that it was an extreme situation, as I was so scared from the police, I could find protection only at him… With the weak English knowledge of one of the lamas it was nearly impossible to lead a real conversation, but I understood the core of it, and I am sure he understood all of my sentences. Then Waibaji arrived, by whose help the meeting was more understandable, and the topic was again the same. But this this Guruji focused on my scolding, what really hurt me, as he must know I never disturbed him by purpose, it was from despair… The conclusion of the many hours meeting in the beautiful and smiling presence of Guruji is this: I did a big mistake that I went inside, and now I must not come to Halkoria 10 months. But people from the Sangha should help me with gaining a visa. I should not fear the police, as all is in the hands of Guruji: IF he wants them to harm me, they will, but if not, anything can be tried, I will suffer no harm from the police. Though Guruji seemed strict, he laughed a lot, and all was told in a playful mood, so I felt as if everything is a balsam for my soul. I was just watching with awe how beautiful was he, how radiating and amazingly pure he was.. In some moments I might have even forgotten that this session was supposed to decided about my own fate… Then he left, and on his way up he started to run like a playful child… Today he was like an Apsarasa…I wish I could always remember His face and voice from that day…. The sadder part of the story is that though Guruji told the Sangha should help me in gaining a visa for me, no effort was yet taken by anyone from any committee or Sangha to collect money for my visa or to arrange nay documents for me (for example volunteer visa?). On the other hand, people who were helpful till now, turned them back on me as well. So I continue to be without any help, money, and have no way to solve my situation. But at least I have the protection of Guruji, so my wrong-wishers will not be able to harm me the way they wanted, I hope. But even if Guruji asked all present people not to harm me and not to report me to the police, just the next morning the local police inspector told a friend of Waiba that they have received a new telephone call from Ratanpuri, why is Marici still not arrested? Those people who could spread the news that I am in Halkoria were Dilu, Guruji’s brother, and Prem, his long-time assistant and childhood friend. After I did the mistake and wrote down what Dawa told me about the 40 thousand he gave to a brother of Guruji from Mahadarshan and which was not used for the given purpose, as Dawa told (I have no way to check if this is a true accusation), it is clear that some brothers of Guruji hate me… Unfortunately I clicked wrongly and instead of a private email I spent this email into the public part of GG… So could this be the reason why are some people from Ratanpuri so keen to get me arrested and out of Nepal? In the name of Dharma they do sinful actions. They are blinded by their conviction that they are doing the best for Guruji, or just afraid that some mistakes on their side will be revealed if people like me are free to speak? I will forgive my wrong-wishers their actions, but only if they have enough nobility to come out with it and say a simple sorry. Further concealing the already false veils by new and new veils makes just more harm to this stage of forming the community of devotees. I wish each of these wrong-wishers can soon experience the love and light of Maitreya which I have experienced while in Halkoria, giving all beings total mutual safety from any harm, feeling of unity with the others, and the joy of wishing only the best to any living creature. marici
Posted on: Sun, 26 Oct 2014 17:18:30 +0000
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