June 10, 2014 7:09 p.m. ET Hey, its me again, the lone wolf whos not so lonely anymore. Ive become a father! Some of you may recall my personal ad here last year seeking a wild fang. Alas, most of the responses I received were from humans who thought I was cute and cuddly. No thanks. Im not interested in becoming anyones pet, though that might be preferable to my current situation as the object of nonstop government surveillance. After I was born in 2009, the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife strapped a GPS collar around my neck and labeled me OR-7. They couldnt even give me a cool name like Logan. As a teenager, I left my pack, in search of a girlfriend. Over the next two years, I roamed more than 3,000 miles, creating quite a stir when my wanderings took me into California in 2011. Im told that wolves havent been recorded in the state for more than 60 years. Crazy Californians tweeted my whereabouts when they spotted me. Then the nanny-state government directed a special team to monitor me and devise a wolf management plan. I can survive just fine on my own, thank you very much. Having lost my wanderlust, I returned in March 2013 to my native Oregon. My mama always told me love dont come easy, but I couldnt bear to live my life alone. Thus, last June, I posted the personal ad, which I didnt realize only stalkers read. Doh! It was then that I got the idea to set up a profile on ecoHarmony, an online dating service for endangered species. Full disclosure: I used a picture of the dashing White Fang from the 1991 movie of the same name, based on the Jack London classic. I hear women really dig wolf-dog hybrids. Most of the wild fangs on the site didnt make my heart sing, but one girl really got me going. We met secretly and tried to keep our relationship out of the public eye. But the state and federal governments set up remote cameras all over the wilderness to monitor me. And you humans complain about the NSA . . . In early May, a camera snapped a shot of my dark-furred partner romping by my den. Soon, news about our relationship was buzzing on the Internet. Newspapers called her my mystery mate because no one could figure out where she had come from or how long we had been together. U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service biologist John Stephenson told an interviewer that it always seemed like a real long shot that Id find love since I was 250 miles from the nearest known pack. He suspects that she was a long-distance disperser (i.e., a wanderer) like me. Scientists are conducting DNA tests on her scat to determine her ancestry, which will no doubt become part of a public database. Then came the revelation that I was the proud father of two 6-week-old pups. Government biologists were as giddy as new grandparents and circulated photos of them to the media. Environmentalists went wild and petitioned for my protection under Californias Endangered Species Act on the off-chance that my progeny decide to strike it out on their own someday and follow in my pawsteps south to the Golden State. Apparently, I leave a scented trail wherever I go. Environmentalists also worry that the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service will soon act on its proposal last year to delist gray wolves in the lower 48 states. There are currently about 6,000 gray wolves in the Western Great Lakes and Northern Rocky Mountains region. Under the federal Endangered Species Act, people can be fined $100,000 for killing or harassing me. Paternalistic environmentalists say I need additional protections. Last week, the California Fish and Game Commission, after a three-hour hearing, voted to list me as an endangered species under state law. Ranchers howled that their cattle could soon become prey. (For the record, I prefer elk. Love that gamey taste.) My new legal protections could also make it more difficult for people to develop their land. But the commissions president, Michael Sutton, insisted that the state do everything we can to help [wolves] recolonize their historic range in California. My collars battery will expire soon, but the federal government has decided I should be fitted with a new one for tracking my new pack. Just to be clear, were not moving to California. The states only advantage as far as Im concerned is its prohibition on paparazzi photography of celebrities children. Besides, I dont want to live in any state that welcomes predators like me. Ms. Finley is an editorial writer for the Journal.
Posted on: Fri, 15 Aug 2014 05:36:16 +0000
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