Last night I couldnt sleep and I found myself thinking, not about my success story students, but about my failures. I thought about J.D. and Stevie, the only 2 students that I was absolutely unable to teach to read no matter what I tried; about the boy I worked with from kindergarten through 5th grade who murdered a store clerk during a robbery; about my student who was a brilliant pianist and whose hand was slammed in my classroom door and who lost three fingers as a result (I wasnt on duty at the time but I still blame myself for not locking my door on an inside day when I knew kids would be wandering in the hallways); P., my downs syndrome boy who ran away one time too many so I called and complained to his mom who almost beat him to death that night; all the kids who saw me lose my temper and raise my voice at them; but most of all, the little 4th grade girl who committed suicide over the weekend after she asked me Friday afternoon if she could talk to me and I said no, lets wait til Monday because I had plans that night and wanted to get home. I wasnt her teacher, I was in a methods class and was doing selected lessons in her room and had worked with her for awhile in reading, so had a relationship with her. She was a troubled girl, I knew, and that afternoon I knew something was on her mind but I was riding with someone and they were anxious to leave and I had plans and I put her off. I put her off to a Monday that never came for her. She took an overdose of sleeping pills that night because her step father had been abusing her and I think that was what she wanted to tell me. I think of that child so often and wonder if shed be alive if I had just stayed to listen to her. She would be in her 40s or 50s now, I think. She wanted to be a teacher. She wanted to have a family. She wanted to visit Paris. I remember these things about her and I will bear the burden of my failure to her for the rest of my life, as I will the burden of failure of the others I let down. I know Ive had many success stories, but these handful of children that I let down will always be ghosts in my heart. I wish I could have a do over. I would do better with all of them, I know. I wish I could go back in time and do it all over again. I was so young, when I taught these students, so young and stupid and I just wish I would have known then what I know now. Most of all I wish I could apologize to them and I hope that in some way all of them found peace within their lives. I learned from the mistakes I made with them; I just wish it hadnt been such a damned hard lesson.
Posted on: Fri, 06 Jun 2014 12:25:33 +0000
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