Lauras migraine, day 101, is coming to a close. She got botox injections today, with the theory that this will cause the muscles around her face and neck to weaken, which may or may not bring relief and break this migraine once and for all. Regardless, the botox came with its own levels of pain. Shes spent most of the day in bed, which isnt much different than how shes spent much of the last 100. So far, still no relief, and who knows what the future holds or how long this will take to break. It gets hard. The feeling of isolation isnt easy to get away from, but talking about it helps (even though in all honestly Im not actually talking to anyone as much as I am sharing my thoughts to the internet). With no end in sight, the feeling of hopelessness is easy to embrace at night when Im all alone. The girls are asleep, and Lauras in bed, and Im playing night watchman to make sure the girls dont get up. I feel like this year is passing us all by. I get sad for the opportunities my future bride is missing out on to be happy, and for the opportunities for the two of us to spend time together. I get sad for the girls, whose autism prevents them from understanding that their mother is chronically ill and wishes like nothing else that she were able to get out of bed and spend time with them. I get sad for Laura, who is going through utter hell and unfathomable pain right now. I get sad for me, because Im trying to be the glue that keeps things together in this family right now and theres a lot riding on my shoulders. It may not be the whole world, but its my whole world. Its getting harder to stay focused, easier to let my mind wander, harder to stay on task, easier to justify inaction, harder to relate to anyone because I dont talk to anyone outside of my home and outside of the staff directly involved with caring for my daughters… At this point, I want nothing more than for her to be happy and healthy again. I want her to not be suffering anymore. I want someone I can vent to, without feeling like Im being a whining emotional bastard. I want things to be easier, and not keep getting harder. I want answers, not more questions. I want finalization, not open ends. Ive let nearly all of my ambitions, save for a few, fall to the wayside. I feel overwhelmed at times, and inadequate because of that. But as long as Im still able to put the best of my energy toward my family, thats the most important factor. I would give every last ounce of myself to/for this family. Thanks for reading.
Posted on: Tue, 08 Jul 2014 02:59:28 +0000
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