Leaving behind my family and Texas. I feel like Ive stepped out of another world and back into my soft, cool, fast, fleeting, matter of fact, worldly and beautiful bubble where I matter and change lives: where its okay to build my career out of a passion for fitness, and theres respect for the hours I put into building the body and a life out of California dreams and possibilities. I stepped out of a parallel life. A raw life. A reality that strips down any assumption of what is right. The same warm hospitality that tastes of homemade food, warm coffee and decades passed, that one that makes you feel you havent missed a beat in a loved ones life, but can burn like honey whiskey: sweet on the lips but harsh as the words of a southern evangelical rain of fire of Gods wrath that shakes you back to your childhood of dead set beliefs and unwavering decency. I didnt want to leave. There was a comfort in the slow quiet country roads, the sound of children laughing, a place where even death can bring out the best moments, where we all lose ourselves, let go and sing the music of our parents generations; a place where everything we are beyond the walls of our childhood home is torn apart, misconstrued into assumptions laden with old wives tales of sin and wrong choices, yet we can let it go with the sound of one familiar note and then we are just blood. There is a slight sad bitterness to leaving it all behind, one where you question your version of reality and life, wonder what is really real and what matters. Driving back home alone Ill come to realize how many times Ive let family silently and indirectly dictate choices in life and the best and darkest moments of my life. Theyre there like a lighthouse in a safe harbor always guiding and with open arms. Yet I know Im still searching for my life and cannot let it affect or question the choices Ive made out in open water. I want to have both worlds and when I come back to Texas Im back in that raw, simply complicated web of memories mixed with expectations and there are hints of moments I feel Ive wavered off into an unknown reality and am not the way things should be, but I know this is what I am now and cannot let honest assumptions of my life define its reality. I am happy in the woman Ive become and I respect myself for that. I know I am who I am because of the people before me. I can always go back to that parallel universe and let my roots out, but I cannot stay there. One day those universes will meet I hope... Maybe when I have a family of my own. In the meantime my mind is open, my heart is steadfast, and my mind is happy. Im proud of where I came from, I wear it on my sleeve, I will never let that down. But for now. Im in my other home. Thank you Texas and Familia. Its been real.
Posted on: Tue, 05 Aug 2014 04:18:32 +0000
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