Life, What it is...... Sorry for the long delay in writing anything on this page, I had to take some time to sort things out in my brain about what life on my drug has become. Pazopanib, I the drug I am taking daily to arrest the development of the cancer tumors in my lung. It is a very powerful drug that stops cancer from growing by denying it from the intake of oxygen. The drug, is powerful and very toxic, so much so that you cannot touch it with your bare hands and the containers that it comes in must be disposed in a special way. The drug also has numerous side effects such as: nausea diarrhea change of hair color change of skin color discomfort in cold temperatures loss of appetite loss of taste swelling of the hands and feet rashes weight loss weakness joint or muscle pain..... All of which I have experienced since being on the drug. Some of the side effects are worse for me than others. I take the drug on a daily basis so for me, the side effects are especially strong. This drug is a oral chemotherapy.....so my bodily fluids, and I mean anything that I excrete from my body, and I do mean anything, is toxic. Special precautions have to be taken for just about anything I do. I also have to be very careful about coming into contact with anyone who is sick with a cold or has a cough or flu, cause I can get what they have very quickly because my immune system has been compromised. What a life it has become...... But, dont get me wrong, I still love my life. I just need to fight hard to keep to myself happy and engaged with it. Luckily, my family and friends have helped so much with keeping me happy and thankful for what I have. Without them, especially my wife Mary, I would suffer from one other side effect of this drug.... Depression. The cumulative effects of the drug leaves one with depression. You are sick.....all the time and you can not do much about it. For me the nausea and the lack of taste are the worst. For hours after taking the drug you are sick, almost like having ate something bad. Cramping in my stomach, then some dizziness and exhaustion start almost immediately after I take the drug. My vision gets blurry for a while and then the diarrhea starts to come on. You are sick for sure.... But then the alternative is not so good....cause if I didnt have the drug, the cancer would kill me, and that is another for sure. Yin and Yang..... Good or Bad..... Life or Death....... These things have real meaning for me.. Be real sick for a few hours a day, everyday or be Dead. Hmmmmm......Not much of a choice you would think. I will tell you that for the first 7 weeks of taking this drug, 800 mg daily, I reached my breaking point. You would think that not having any real options about taking the drug, you would be able to put up with anything. Youd be wrong...... It was a October morning, I was lying in bed next to Mary, I was so sick to my stomach, I was crying..... I said to Mary, who woke up when she heard me crying that... I cant do it anymore, Im so sick of being sick I had reached a breaking point..... Those of you who have had this particular moment in your life, where you think its better to die than to go on living, you understand where I was at that moment. For those of you who havent, well lets just say, you are at the lowest of lows, where you just cant go any further.... Life or what it was at that moment, really sucked...... I asked myself afterwards if I was feeling sorry for myself.... You bet I did..... I was feeling sorry for what I had become and what my life had become. Pills in the morning, Sick for hours, Cant eat, Cant keep what you do eat in you, Cant sleep, So tired you sleep for hours afterwards....Soreness, Weakness, I mean come on, Really? Without Mary, talking me through that morning in bead, I dont know where Id be right now... I am soooo lucky to have her.... I am sooooo lucky to have my children I am soooooo lucky to have my friends cause my life wasnt about me.... it was about them... You have to fight for them, for your future with them, in order to go on. Pazopanib, Daily drug therpy? Sick all the time? Nah....no big deal! Life is good, no matter what form it takes! Love you....
Posted on: Tue, 04 Mar 2014 12:04:36 +0000
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