Losing my Welsh: what it feels like to forget a language, and yourself: Memory is a mysterious thing; we’ve all had the feeling of estrangement from places and things we once felt an almost psychic connection with. But there is a peculiar panic that comes with forgetting a language you spoke fluently as a child. My heart skips a beat every time I realise another Welsh word has disappeared from my vocabulary. It’s like trying to grasp a solid object that has started to disintegrate in front of you. You’re always a step behind; never quite fast enough to reach out and stop it from crumbling. I’ve tried to understand where this panic comes from, and I think it’s that – more than any other cultural indicators – language has an intimacy and power that shapes a person existentially. As I write often about Latin America, I have a lot of friends who are bilingual in English and Spanish. We talk a lot about the differences between their English and Spanish “personalities,” and more and more as my Spanish improves, I am getting to know the Spanish version of myself (she’s less withering than the English-speaking version). Losing Welsh, then, is like losing a whole person. And, because I learned Welsh as part of learning to speak altogether, that seems like a very fundamental loss. I’ve dabbled in learning other languages as I’ve grown up – French, Spanish, even Russian – but when I forget those I accept it as inevitable. I don’t feel that way about Welsh, it’s too personal. The Welsh language has a unique character which reminds me of the country’s landscapes and history. For example, the Welsh version of describing something as “music to my ears” is “mêl ar fy mysedd,” or “honey on my fingers”. To me that’s so much more poetic and sensual than the English idiom, and it reminds me of Wales’ history of poetry and song, and the fact that living in Wales – with its huge mountains, long beaches and 365-day rain cycle – is often a very sensory experience. There is something ancient about that phrase: when I say it I can almost feel how old the Welsh language is. Perhaps the fact that languages are embodied with so much culture and history is why it feels so poignant to forget them, and so painful.
Posted on: Thu, 22 Jan 2015 11:17:38 +0000
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