Morning, Well it is day 2 of the med switch still feel like blah. I feel so worn down. This is going to take a while to switch from one med to another. I just hope this med works. They are suppose to help me sleep and as of right now it is not going as planned. I have not gotten any more sleep then normal and I wake up with an extremely dry mouth. I guess that is not something to complain about as long as these meds work. The pain and coldness are still deep inside. They have not left me yet. I hope these meds work it sucks trying to get use to diff meds. It takes so long to change from one to another. I sit here and think how many more times will I have to switch meds in my lifetime. What happens if they do not work? Where will I be? What will I do? Is there another plan? I don’t remember what I even did yesterday. Not sure if that is from the meds or lack of sleep or something else. I still have the dreams. Wish I could not remember them, and remember everything else. I see the faces of the enemy every time I lay my head down to fall asleep. I see the faces of the people alongside the road as we passed through the towns as they look at us. I look back at them and wonder if any of them are the ones who fired upon our base last night. You wonder if they are watching us to plot an attack. We drive by them watching each person to make sure no one is doing anything or carrying anything that could harm us. We go out thinking we might not return to base later that day. This might be the last mission for some of us. I sit here and wonder what life would be like for some if I never come across them, how their life would be easier for them. Not having to deal with all the trouble and issues that come with knowing me. I don’t have many feelings lately but I am glad I found my wife. I love her with all my heart. Before I met her many people would run and not want to get involved with me as soon as they found out that I had PTSD. They would act like it was worse than mad cow disease and it was deadly. They were scared of me. Yet they didn’t take the time to get to know me. They jumped to conclusions without even understanding something. Why do people pass judgment on others without knowing all the facts? I wish there was a way for people to really understand what PTSD is. How it affects the ones who have it. How hard it is for us to get close to someone and open up to them. How we react to things differently than others do. How we struggle with everyday common things. How we try to be normal and act normal yet we at times just suck up everything we can and need time away from others and everything just to be able to let it all out, yet we can’t we don’t know how others would react so we suck it up. We try to hide it from the world so others don’t look at us differently. Each person tries to handle this in their own way. I am not really sure what I am talking about today. I am just typing and letting anything come out. I don’t like to delete things. So if it is all jumbled up and does not make since sorry. Just the thoughts in my head and the way it comes out. I wish there was a way to make scene out of it all. Well time to get some work done. I will try and write more later. Hope you all have a great day. Welcome home to my fellow veterans. May you find inner peace one day.
Posted on: Tue, 17 Sep 2013 11:08:03 +0000
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