My Black inferiority Complex There was a time in my life when I used to use a Ponds product which was basically a face-wash and a face-cream which makes your skin lighter and more fair.... I mean, Im not a yellow bone but for some reason I thought that the only way to be beautiful was for my skin to be as light as possible... There was a time in my life when I couldnt stand the texture of my hair... I couldnt be seen in public unless I had a weave or braids or unless my hair was relaxed and straightened... I was so convinced that my own black hair was ugly and untidy... And the only definition of beautiful hair was long, soft and straight... Infact when I first started my dreads in second year, a black girl from my res which I had a lot of respect for, told me that dreadlocks and afros are too untidy and that you cannot be taken seriously in the corporate world if you have hair like that... She told me that weaves, braids and relaxed hair are acceptable, neat, tidy and clean... A few weeks ago, I was complementing a black girl on how beautiful her dreads were, and a white girl looked at me with so much confusion and asked what is so beautiful about that?... The only time a white man ever told me that I was beautiful was when I had a weave on... And he actually thought it was my own hair.. There was a time in my life when I was soo terribly insecure about my weight.. I believed that I was only beautiful if I could fit into a size 32 pair of jeans... I wanted long legs too... In the Africa that we live in, a white woman is the definition of beauty... See I wanted light skin, long straight hair, a slim body, long legs... You know, kinda like a white woman... There was a time when I thought oh my word, imagine if I was loved by a white man, how great would that be.... It was as thougt being in a romantic relationship with a white person was kind of an achievement, that I would be dating up... Hahahahahahahahahhahaha For some off reason that is beyond my understanding, I still feel a little intimidated by white people, especially white men... I feel like I need to behave in a certain way, dress in a certain way and carry myself in a certain way inorder to be accepted by white people and for them not to think of me as undignified or uneducated... Whenever I am in the presence of white people, I tend to change my behaviour... My accent changes, the pitch of my laugh changes, the types of things I speak about change... I subconsciously try to be more white... All because I dont want them to think Im stupid... I want them to take me seriously, to respect me... Hahahahahaahhhahhahaha.... What the hell is that? Yesterday, at the graduation, I sat on stage in the midst of all the privileged white (mostly male) academics in their red gowns... Now the way I was brought up, when we celebrate, we dont sit with our legs crossed and clap, we hululate, we shout halala... I wanted to hululate sooo bad, I saw black women graduate and I was so proud, my heart wanted to jump out of my chest... But I was scared, scared that the white people I am sitting next to will think I am undignified or unruly or primitive... I did hululate maybe twice or thrice, and when I did it, they all turned and looked at me... I was so uncomfortable.. And the lady sitting next to me was so irritated, she would move herself away from me or cover her ears and look at me with a look of disappointment everytime I did it... I felt like I was doing something wrong, but in my heart I told myself She will just have to be strong... I had to set myself free and stop being so apologetic about the ways of my people... One of the black male graduates wore traditional Xhosa clothing to yesterdays grad... I was soooo proud... I wanted to stand up and praise and shout hilililililililililili hililililiililililililili... Mayibuye!.. But I was afraid of what the white men around me would think of me... If I was sitting amongst other black people, I would have done it, proudly even... But yesterday, I couldnt... Slowly, but surely, I am being liberated.... The Diary of a Black Girl living in post-colonial Africa
Posted on: Sat, 20 Dec 2014 06:35:15 +0000
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