My Column for Sunday By Bill Bouldin Del Rio News Herald Interesting, the way geography alters perceptions. Take June 12, 2014 for instance. For everyone living in Central and South America, Africa, Asia, Australia, Europe and Great Britain, that date marked the single most important event in the history of modern man – the beginning of the quadrennial FIFA World Cup. To the rest of us, it was Wednesday. Once again, the billions of starving, down-trodden, impoverished people in the second, third and fourth world would have us believe a) the game is called football and b) it matters. As to the first claim, its enough to point out they cant even agree on the spelling. Its football for some and futball for others, while the pronunciation remains pretty much the same. The spelling is a matter of indifference to me. I am secure enough in my sports identity to know that football - real football - is played on a field with eleven horizontal line with no – repeat no – boxes in boxes, curves or circles. Moreover, it is played by big men wearing pads and helmets, not small men in skivvies. Make no mistake, they’re playing soccer. Still, we need to keep abreast of developments in this strange spectacle, if only to guard against its encroachment into the sphere of real sports. Herewith, some notes from the underground. GOOOOOOAL- This World Cup has shown a marked improvement in the all-important area of theatrics. One player need only be nudged by another to take the opportunity to fall to ground writhing in histrionic agony. A judge promptly appears and issues the opposing player a colored Deal-a-Meal card, depending on the brilliance of the acting – a yellow card for Emmy quality acting, a red card for an Oscar. GOOOOOOAL – This being the electronic age, this World Cup has added sophisticated digital devices that can register even the slightest break of the goal box plane. The equipment has already chalked up one “selfie,” when a goal keeper inadvertently shoved the ball past the barrier to score a point against his own team. Selfies like that are the only consistently applied capital offense in Central and South America, with the punishment administered by a lethal injection of lead just outside the stadium GOOOOOOAL – The U.S. team has already scored what passes for a triumph in the world of soccer – they beat the team from Ghana, which had eliminated them in the past two World Cups. That’s Ghana – bonus points for finding it on a map in less than an hour.. GOOOOOOAL – The host country of Brazil has revealed the peculiar accommodation demands made by the various national teams. Ecuador requires bananas (from Ecuador) in every room, Holland will not abide air conditioners that make the slightest sound, most of the countries insist on flat screen TVs, and every single player in the games demands a video game console. But the award for strangest demand has to go to the French team, which insists on liquid soap in the players’ rooms. This nation, which gave the world Monet and Moliere, Notre Dame and the Eifel Tower, escargot and croissants, has yet to master the intricacies of bar soap and is not ashamed to admit it. GOOOOOOAL – As if producing the most reliable cars in the world isn’t humiliating enough for Americans, the Japanese are bent on rubbing our noses in it by proving they are the politest sports fans on Earth. At the close of each match in Brazil, the cheering section from Japan can be seen dutifully cleaning up their area, leaving it as spotless as they found it – a little island of cleanliness in a sea of debris. What a low blow. What’s next – “please” and ”thank you?” GOOOOOOAL – And finally, a sad note. Remember how during the last World Cup, I brought you news of the untimely death of a man in China who succumbed after watching some 40 consecutive hours of World Cup soccer? I called it the first documented case of death by boredom. Well, this time it’s just the opposite. A man from the small town of Suzhou outside of Shanghai, China, was found slumped over in front of his TV set, dead after two consecutive days of watching the World Cup. Another boredom related death? Not this time. Apparently, the man died after watching Holland defeat Spain 5 goals to 1, an almost unheard-of scoring frenzy. Undoubtedly, the poor fellow died from an excess of excitement, having just witnessed more goals in 95 minutes than most soccer fans see in a lifetime. Still, there’s no denying it was another example of senseless World Cup-related deaths. When will we learn – people don’t kill people, guns don’t kill people – soccer kills people. INTERESTING HOLIDAYS THIS WEEK: June 22nd Onion Rings Day (The kind with the flaky crust.) 24th – Fairy Day (for those who believe in more government) 27th Sunglasses Day.
Posted on: Fri, 20 Jun 2014 11:08:54 +0000
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