My head sunk into the soft pillow that supplied my neck with rest as my tears soaked the navy blue silk pillowcase. I turned over this morning, at 4:00 a.m. to be exact. The sun hadnt even kissed the sky. It was pitch black and not that beautiful sky blue with white fluffy clouds floating about, or the golden sun sitting in its respective place shining light down upon the beautiful earth and supplying every human being that stood beneath it with Vitamin D. That’s the view I’d hoped to awake to night after aching night for the past six years of my restless and lifeless days. Drenched in tears and in excruciating emotional pain, my heart, for some particular reason, on this day was the heaviest that it had been in such a very long time. Across from me lay the man that had been by my side since the day he laid eyes on me, the day he walked over to me in front of a coffee shop down on Broad Street, not too far away from the James Brown Museum and kneeled before me. His words still ring fresh in my ears. “Will you marry me?” he said in a more telling way than asking, even though he formed his proposal into a question. It felt as though a volt of electricity bolted through my body as my feet were pasted in place, and my body dared me to move. I knew at that very moment in my heart of hearts that this man who’s sound asleep next to me would be the man that I would spend the rest of my life with. Against what I knew and felt to be true, I simply replied, “Of course not. I do not know you.” I slowly removed my trembling hand from his gentle grip as a chill crept up my spine, and I struggled to maintain my smile within. After all, my heart was torn and at war within itself, causing me to second guess my better judgment. Tanner was a gentlemen, the best of the breed (if I’d say so myself), of what and who a man should be and stand for. I chuckled now as I watched him in a deep slumber with a slight smile on his face. My God! How I wished demons wouldnt haunt me, and that I’d be able to rest as soundly as he does, without worry, without stress, and mostly without the skeletons that I have in my closet. At times, something in me said to wake him and other times something said and had said for the past six years: “Why cast your demons on a man that has only wanted to shower you with love, show you life in ways that youve never seen it, and most of all teach you how to love? I pondered in retrospect, and my heart ached as my past hell withheld me from a peaceful sleep. Like always, it prevented me from waking up to at least one beautiful morning and not feeling like a caged bird. Even though mental captivity can’t be seen with physical eyes, I can feel the chains wrapped around my waist, connected to my wrists, and the shackles dangling from my ankles. Still, I am trapped from the inside, mind, body, and soul, begging for freedom to ring, pleading for understanding and a breakthrough, so I can love and let love, love me unconditionally. Coming March 22, 2014
Posted on: Thu, 20 Mar 2014 14:36:03 +0000
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