My mother told me ever since I was a child that my birth was extremely painful and difficult for her...were talking 12 hours here (sorry mama). She also would always tell me that when I first came out, and she held me for the first time, I was crying like infants naturally do, but something was a little different about my cries... I shed tears. The kind that stream down your face. And newborns almost never shed tears when first born. She was surprised and laughingly said that moment this girls going to be something. So basically whenever I hear a recount of my arrival to this world I feel bad but I also feel really special. I like to think I have a pretty interesting personality. Most of the time I dont understand it. Ive had people insulting me, and putting me down for much of my childhood and teenage years. Everything from exclusion, to hostility, humiliation, being called anorexic to people calling me ugly to my face. Yeah I get upset, really sad sometimes but I dont usually break. It doesnt bring me to tears. Its not that Im bulletproof... I still get hurt. My heart takes the beatings but it doesnt absorb the attacks to make me cry. The times I cry - really truly cry - is when I think about someone, a person, or a group of people.. whom I love. When Im by myself and actualize the blessing of someone beautiful being in my life, or having been in my life - my heart shakes and the tears flow. Sometimes its people Ive known all life. Sometimes its people Ive only known recently. I may have spent days with them... or maybe only minutes. I relfect on their struggles, their efforts, their innocence and attempts at trying to make sense of who they are and this very strange world - and the beauty in that I will never truly know what those were. I account myself in everything I said or did however small that may have made it harder for them. And I cry. Thoughts rumble around in my head, so many them it doesnt make sense. When I cry I remember the One who is All Aware and understands what is in my heart and the hearts of everyone - more than we ever could understand. Its okay for things to not make sense - sometimes theyre not meant to. The One whos Love transcends any other love. In Allahs Mercy He allowed me to move from the mercy of my mothers womb, to the mercy of her arms. Then he allowed me to grow to then strive for myself to appreciate His Mercy to attain His Mercy... to love Him. And so I cry. I do cry out of pain, anger, and sadness. But when I REALLY cry? Its love. Love makes me cry.
Posted on: Tue, 27 Jan 2015 05:46:40 +0000
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