My new landlord just texted me to make sure I close the gate behind my car, because, and I quote, The pigs are out at night. I went from clucking roosters next door to rooting wild pigs in the span of two months, because today marks just that amount of time since I moved to Kauai. This experience of being here, on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, has been nothing short of exponential growing. I thought I knew what I was getting into, leaving the mainland as a seemingly self-aware yoga teacher and writer to pursue my decade and a half desire to live in Hawaii, but it turns out, I had no idea. I didnt know that part of coming here was to face some of my greatest fears, and most of them surrounding a bigger realization that I have lived all of my life from that place of worry/anxiety/concern/wanting. I didnt know that Id arrive and find myself battling between being compelled to do the right thing or make like a maniac and destroy those stupid lines and boxes that imprisoned me before I was born. I didnt know the courage I had inside to be able to sit with all the emotions that come up, because on an island, there is nowhere to run, since everywhere you go, you still end up on a circle. Yet, a part of me mustve felt ready, because one doesnt simply pick up her life and move to an island without knowing anyone unless a part of me already knew what I was getting into. After all, people whove lived here for awhile all say that Kauai calls you for a reason. A couple of weeks ago, my coach asked me if I knew how brave I am in the ways I live my life. I chortled, which was my way of conveying, I have no idea, because what I often feel is that Im afraid that I wont make anything of my life, so Im constantly aiming to prove myself. Im afraid that I was given a gift and that Ill just let that go to waste, so I work tirelessly at flinging my art out there at every opportunity I have. Im afraid that Ill always feel lost in this world and that I wont settle into any sort of belonging, least of all with a partner who treats me in ways where I wont look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Mostly, I dont feel super strong, because I still have big parts of me that fear Im not good enough to be loved. Ive been having the hardest time wrapping my heart around the idea that just by being and existing means I am worthy, so instead, I eat my way into hiding behind a physical embodiment of my soul that is 10 (okay, 12) pounds shy of feeling deserving — extra weight keeps me small, which ironically is done when I feel too large. I moved to paradise in the Pacific with a semblance of hope that I would find why it continues to feel like theres a hole in my heart that no amount of food or spiritual philosophy or being hard on myself can fill. I know I must be onto something, because if I werent, then all of this tumult in the forefront of my experiences wouldnt be happening. I know I was called here for a reason. I can feel it in my bones, in all the organs and blood and matter that makes up my insides. Its such an odd sensation to have an almost tangible sense of intuition these days on what is about to happen and what is already happening with the people in my life, whether near and far. In fact, after chatting with a couple of friends on the mainland lately, Ive heard them share the sentiment, Okay, its really freaking me out right now what youre saying, because I dont know how you could be so spot on with everything! I dont know either. What I do know is that in 58 days of being here, I have: Moved twice. Learned how to drive stick shift after a 15-minute lesson from a Swiss tourist. Bought a used car all by myself. Gotten a job at a cafe, whereupon mention of where I work, people get a wistful look as they share how much they love the place and the people who own it. Learned how to clean a $14,000 espresso machine and operate an industrial dishwasher. Met intriguing artists from the South shore to the West. Been welcomed into a local familys home for a thought-provoking Thanksgiving dinner. Gained weight. Helped run a B&B. Been visited by friends from the mainland. Learned how to tune out roosters, battle mosquitoes, deal with sea lice, share space with geckos and cockroaches — and not scream when they show up everywhere. Figured out how to take the bus where I wanted to go. Discovered ways in which I must stand up for myself. Become more discerning. Made friends. Lost friends. Written a few articles. Joined an inspiring writing group, which is allowing me to be more raw and discover my voice. Been asked out by a few guys on this island and neighboring ones. Surfed at dusk when the sharks feed, stayed out on the water into twilight, and one time, was all by myself so that the sea and shore around me was empty, except for me and the moon. Wondered what Im doing with my life. Kauai keeps asking me if I want to live from what Ive been familiar with — a generational/familial/cultural/self-imposed place of fear and poverty consciousness — or if I want to live in a place where alchemy happens. Where real love happens, and when I write about this, its the kind of love that comes from within rather than from without. Ive been told this island is ruled by the water, that when theres big surf, you can feel it in the molecules of the air. By being here, I can almost feel in the invisible spaces in between as though I know whats about to come. Like maybe the more I allow for it, Ill see how I was never broken to begin with and that there is unconditional love all around me, especially from myself, the moment I let it in. So, well see...
Posted on: Tue, 03 Dec 2013 07:24:39 +0000
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