Okay, so heres the thing. Im an appreciative person. I really dont like to complain about problems in my life, although it may not seem that way as much lately. I know that Im very lucky and I know that Ive worked hard to earn that luck. I also know that so many people are going through so much worse than I am at the moment and I dont know that I have the right to feel like I do. Still, Im a bit angry, disappointed, and worried about my current situation. I just got back from the doctors office, which only promised more visits to specialists. After not having had to see a doctor in years, and being able to just do the simple things in life that I want to do and be able to do them confidently, its extra difficult for me to handle the fact that Im not only unable to do those things right now, but Ive been told that if I try, I could be putting myself in danger. So yep, until I get an all-clear, I cant even do my normal exercising. Basically, it comes down to possible heart issues. My Dad and his dad had em and those issues took out both of them far too young. I dont wanna be next, but things arent looking or feeling good at the moment. In a way, its tougher when the doc says that Im doing exactly what I need to be doing. I wanted him to tell me, Heres what you do to get this under control and heres where youve screwed up. He couldnt. Im already doing what I need to be doing. So yeah, within the next week or so, Ill be visiting at least one lab, and probably two, for a barrage of tests that will no doubt screw with me. I also have to meet with the cardiologist to find out what we can do...if we can do anything. Many, many years ago, I had some heart related issues and I worked really hard to get them under control and managed to do it. Sadly, it seems that this pneumonia that I had earlier this year has undone a lot of what Id accomplished and I just cant seem to get back to where I need to be no matter what I do. Not only that, I cant even get back to below where I need to be to do the minimum. At this rate, I will lose $1000 this week that I need with all thats been going on. Heck, I had to leave the show that we had scheduled for us to do in Charlotte with my stuff already set up on stage. Thankfully, the band is amazing enough to where they could go on with it without me and do great, but it doesnt make me feel any better about it as far as Im concerned. I dont want to have to cut back on photography and I cant really afford to do that. Ive only shot one artist the entire month of March and only a couple of shows last month. I dont want to not be able to perform live, since thats such a huge part of my understanding of myself. Without what I do being done, Im not really who I am. At this point, Im clearly going to have to do less for a while. And the most frustrating thing is that all of this is happening just as things should be at their easiest and best with all of my jobs. I had issues 7 years ago after I was hit with pneumonia ANOTHER time. I had issues back in the 20th century. I should just try to be thankful that I had so many years of being able to do what I want. I should just be appreciative that Ive been able to do all that I have and have been able to spend so much awesome time with so many great people, many of whom have become friends. And yet, right now, all I can think instead is that Ive done my time with those issues and I should be able to live and enjoy what I have right now. Sadly, Im not being given that option. Its an amazingly beautiful day outside here. Just below 80 degrees and a perfect spring day. At the very least I want to just sit outside and enjoy that. I dont even feel up to that at the moment. Please, if youre reading this, do me a favor and enjoy your day and time today for both of us. I apologize for the semi-rant, but I just needed to say it for my own alleged well-being. I dont ask for much. I really dont. All I want is to be able to do what I do and be with Amanda, my family, and my friends and enjoy that time with them when we are together. Thats it. Really. Thats it when it comes down to it. I will continue to do all that I can as well as I can, but let the universe be made aware that if I can get back even close to on track, Im going to be back out enjoying everything and be even more appreciative.
Posted on: Mon, 31 Mar 2014 19:20:58 +0000
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