On DEPRESSION. Rest well Robin... I have survived with clinical depression for 30+ years. I am diagnosed with Dysthymia, Panic Anxiety Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I have anger issues. Sometimes I rage. I want to kick and scream and hit... but I dont. I will not foist my anger on to others. Not feeding my anger sometimes fuels my depression. Its a trade off. I am well aware that my suicidal surges can be dramatic and the ultimate self indulgence. (*I DONT need you to remind me of any of that.* It doesnt usually help when you try to help.) Even on days when I mostly smile... There is a monster riding on my back. The monster doesnt leave me alone for a moment. Most days the monster whispers suicide in to my soul. On the days it doesnt it chants words like worthless, albatross, burden, looser... The list goes on. It never stops. Some days its so bad I cant leave my front porch. I take medications to keep the monster quiet. Believe it or not, there was one person in my life who actually hassled me for taking meds for my imaginary condition. Told me B vitamins and exercise could do the trick all by itself. Nah. Not the case. Surviving depression is HARD WORK. Dont ever let any sanctimonious asshat try to tell you any different. Sometimes one has no reason for being depressed. I have no -reason- for my depression. I was raised in a stable home. I was not ritually abused as a child. My diet has always been better than most. I get get a reasonable amount of sun and exercise. My life is reasonably safe and comfortable. I really havent much to whine about. I dont abuse any substances. Why am I depressed? I just am. (Well... I used to get lots of exercise. Not so much recently due to the bad ankle... Ironically, my depression isnt as bad NOW as when I got lots more exercise, had a busier social life, held a 40+ hour per week job and weighed lots less... etc.) There is schizophrenia in my blood line. Many of my blood line suffer from anger and depression issues. They are the diagnosed or treated. My uncle, who was schizophrenic, diagnosed and treated, went off the rails and threw himself off a bridge. We dont know exactly what happened. Did he miss meds? Did something -happen-? We will never know. Hes gone. I am lucky enough that my generation has started to decriminalize depression. Im on disability so at least I can survive day to day with a few less worries. (The same person who roasted me for being on meds harassed me for receiving disability... called me a parasite...) Depression is real. Depression is not imaginary. Depression kills. It does not discriminate. Robin, Thank you for all the laughter youve brought into the world. Ironically, the last movie of yours I watched was one hour photo. It kept me company on a dark day. I hope we all learn something new from your passing. You will be missed. I will always remember you laughing... And you will always bring me a smile. Your life was not in vain. ♡
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 16:05:48 +0000
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