One year ago today was a life changing day in our marriage. One year ago today, we both thought our marriage was over. I dont say that to be dramatic. We both honestly believed we were headed towards divorce. To say we were shattered emotionally would be an understatement. We were talking about how we were going to share time with our girls. We were talking about how we were going to sell our brand new home and start our lives over - this time separately. We had gone through so much in our 9 years of marriage and were stuck in deep rooted pain. Sure, we had the normal daily struggles that all marriages face, but we also had life altering circumstances thrown our way on several occasions. Having 5 daughters during that time was pretty incredible, however it was also very scary at times. Three of our girls were born prematurely, one of our daughters had a very rare genetic disorder, another one of our daughters had a serious heart defect and I nearly died from preeclampsia. And to top all of that off, we ended up losing our Sweet Liberty at 5 months and 3 days old. All of these situations (plus several others) were weighing heavy on our hearts and quite honestly we didnt have the communication skills we needed to cope..together. We were learning to cope...separately. The wall between us was growing more and more each year. We were beginning to react to our pain, our fear, our sorrow in unhealthy ways. We were not gentle towards one another. We were not open and honest towards one another. We were just going through the motions in our own ways and eventually things started crashing down. I remember sitting our bedroom floor, covered in tears, asking God how on earth I was going to make it through any more pain. I had already gone through so much and now to watch our marriage crumble to the ground. How could I possibly survive another sucker punch to my already broken heart? How could my heart even hurt after all we had already been through? Losing Liberty nearly shattered me and my aching heart. I just didnt see how I could withstand any more pain. And yet, at the same time, I was so tired of the junk that had taken over our marriage I simply didnt want to keep on this same old path. I had never in my life felt more uncertain and broken then in those very moments. Thankfully God stepped in right in the midst of this horrible mess. Thankfully He could see past the pain, the sorrow and the brokenness. We ended up going through an INTENSE marriage counseling session over the next few days. In fact, the word intense doesnt even begin to do it justice. I will never forget those days. We were both at our weakest, most broken point in our life and yet we had to find the strength and courage to fight for this crumbled marriage that neither of us were sure we wanted to try and save!!! We couldnt see HOW it was ever going to get better. We couldnt see HOW we would ever see eye to eye. We couldnt see HOW the pain of the past would ever begin to heal. Nothing made sense and we had pretty much lost all hope. However, I knew without a doubt God was directing us to this exact location, with these exact counselors. So with Gods guidance we went and began our journey towards healing. I am not going to lie. It was HARD WORK. It was INTENSE. It was EMOTIONAL. It was PAINFUL. It was DEEP. It was digging through years and years of heartache, mistrust, fear, anger and everything in between!! There were times we felt like walking out and giving up completely. There were times when we felt like we couldnt breathe or handle the pain. And yet, by the grace of God we made it through those days. When our counseling had ended I remember driving back home, staring out the window, shaken to my core. I silently cried the whole way home. We had 4 little girls in the backseat who were depending on us. One of our girls was only 6 weeks old at the time. We didnt know what our plans were for that night, let alone the next 10 years! I literally felt like I didnt even know the man driving us home. So much had happened during counseling that I now felt like I was married to a complete stranger. And yet, somewhere through those tears I felt Gods warm and loving embrace. He reminded me that I didnt need to have all the answers at that moment, that all I needed to do was to just show up. I just needed to show up and trust in Him. So that is what I did. That is what Brett did. Seperately...we both showed up and trusted in Him. Over the past year God has helped us to navigate through the ups and downs of our marriage and daily life. Every single day we both made the commitment to simply SHOW UP. As the months went by we continued to show up and work on our communication skills. We continued to love on and protect these beautiful girls. We continued to learn to let go of the past in such a way that we can still see the lessons and the beauty, but without clinging to the pain. Tonight, as I sit and think of the past year I can honestly smile. To think at this time last year our marriage had essentially burned to the ground and we were both left standing with NOTHING. Now when I look around I can see so much growth, beauty and strength. We are NOT perfect. We do NOT have it all together. We do NOT have all the answers. And yet, we are SHOWING UP...TOGETHER!!!! What a difference a year can make when you surrender your heart to HIM! I love you Brett. I am so thankful for this past year and all the hard work that has gone into it. I am a better person because of you and I am so thankful for how far God has taken us. (((PS. I love that we share this amazing day with your parents! Only God could orchestrate all of this so beautifully. We are blessed indeed!)))
Posted on: Sat, 09 Aug 2014 03:26:01 +0000
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