Page 2: The funny thing about denial is that as we set ourselves out to prove our point; be it right, wrong, or indifferent, we set the playing field. However the rational mind tends to take in more information then we intend it to. I think that first year was by far the hardest learning curve for me. My benefit was that I had already started working with the local agencies to help aid me with my eldest son and with the alleged hearing impairment of my youngest son. Although I was hell bent on proving the hearing impairment was in fact the issue…I know deep down I knew that it wasn’t. There were many tears and an over whelming feeling of hopelessness that year. It is hard to look at your child and know there is nothing you can do to “fix” them. We are trained and taught to think that if we do not fit into the world’s perception of “normal” we are forever set apart and become an outcast. As a parent we begin to think of the things that our child will not do. All the things we as a society deem as “normal” expectations of each person in this world. Like driving a car, graduating from high school, going to college, getting married, having a family, and achieving a grand status in life. Aspiring to the greatness of what is deemed and labeled as the perfect life or even the simplicity of it all seems to wash away in the blindness of this illusion we create. No one wants to see their child have to struggle in life. That first year was filled with so many emotions and when that moment of defeat comes so does the waves of emotions. Denial keeps most of them in check until you came to terms with the totality of it all. I call it defeat because in that moment of acceptance of truth you have to accept that you were wrong. It is a self-defeat within your own mind that washes away the preconceived notions we conjure up. I was angry, sad, and at one point felt guilty that this was somehow entirely my fault. After all, one more wonder that society places on us is that it has to be someone’s fault. If we have someone or something to blame we can focus our negative energy in that direction. Looking back now at that young mother I wish I could give her the peace and understanding I have now. But I admire her tenacity as well as her drive, dedication and willingness to learn. I never lost sight of how precious and beautiful my child was and is. With one child now diagnosed with severe Autism and my eldest son diagnosed with ever changing behavioral diagnoses. I also was given another blessing…my daughter. Now unlike today the wealth of knowledge nineteen years ago was far a few between about the spectrum of autism. In fact the spectrum was like sailing uncharted waters in a sea without any real navigation. Answers were limited and the words “We just can’t say for sure” this answer seemed to be the norm and standard practice of many in the medical and mental profession. I was on a mission to not only help my youngest son but to take any and all preventive measures with my daughter. I had amazing prenatal care; she was given her vaccination in a more spread out sequence, preventive care was given for ear infections, and the list went on. I had made a list of all the things that both of my boys had experienced down to the very foods they ate. My research had taken me in so many directions that filtering out what was useful seemed to be a task of its own. This was the new battle field…and knowledge was my weapon of choice. In this time of learning my eyes were opened up to a world that truly amazes me to this day. The best learning experiences was when I would stop and live in my son’s world even if it was in small fleeting moments…it was amazing. I had heard the words “he may never” attached to so many things in regard to both of my boys that I began to believe it in a way. That was until both of my amazing boys would prove all of us wrong. I began to learn how much we take for granted in this wonderful blessing we call life. Every day we take for granted some of the most precious, amazing, and simplest of things. The next few years would be my greatest learning experience; my teachers would be my two biggest heroes in this world…my sons.
Posted on: Thu, 03 Apr 2014 16:37:35 +0000