Predictions for 2015: One of the countries between Greece and China, likely one weve recently bombed or invaded, will have an outbreak of *really* crazy Muslims who will burn stuff and execute people for crimes against hummus. They will make a nonsensical statement about invading California or sacking Oslo. Five bored teens from Northern Europe will freak everybody out by joining them. Americas national security talking heads will speak very urgently about starting a war in this place using other peoples children and borrowed money. Civilization will be at stake, and those of you not for war are naive! This will last for a week or two, then be forgotten in favor of Obama accidentally saluting his dog instead of Marines. A story will appear in around April about how a group of the biggest banks in the world colluded to fraudulently control the price of some asset using some financial instrument that is essential to daily commerce, but that youve never heard of. Matt Taibbi will yell about how theyve swindled the worlds pensioners out of another $155 billion. Because nobody will understand it, the story will leave the news cycle in under a week. Dick Cheney will be invited onto Meet the Press to consume a live puppy. He will smirk, mouth full, and talk about how eating puppies is for the good of America, right next to slapping grandmothers, so we should not question his judgment. He will be invited on the following week to comment on How Iran Is a Threat. Over 115 articles will be written by musicians about how Spotify rates are very low and how the music industry is really unjust, not like before, which was magical because CDs. They will not mention that standard record deals were impossible swindles by which you had to pay back a $72,000 loan by making $0.08 per unit sold ($0.02 in non-US markets.) None of them will mention the crazy awesome innovations, such as that you can now distribute and market your goods for free to the entire planet while money arrives magically in your PayPal account. Apple will update iTunes over 730 times. When not writing update for iTunes, they will make a minor design change or make an incremental yet significant upgrade to a product. This will prompt several dozen articles about The End of Apple? while the company amasses the same profits as the rest of the S&P 500 combined. Every three days, you will see a story about somebody shooting somebody else dead for no goddamn reason. The gradations of awful will vary. You will comment on these with decreasing frequency. The Pope will decriminalize marijuana for the world. People will wonder how this is possible, but hes the Pope. Your Twitter feed will feature more than 1700 complaints about Comcasts customer service. Per week. Gunning for saint status and pumped after his marijuana victory, The Pope will outlaw Dick Cheney. Amazon, in a surprise move, will make an acquisition play for Wal-Mart, Target, all the airlines, mathematics, and the U.S. Dollar. Antitrust regulators will not wake up from their naps. It will be announced that inequality has reached the same proportions as under the Egyptian pharoahs. It will turn out that both Uber and Tinder are owned by the NSA. And then, some really weird stuff might happen. Happy New Year, guys!
Posted on: Thu, 01 Jan 2015 02:02:05 +0000
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