Probably not a great idea to have a half bottle of wine for dinner, but what the hell, right? So here is how I am feeling - conflicted. On the one hand, I am more ME/REAL than I have ever been - able to stand my ground, able to say NO, able to quickly determine when someone/something is not right for me - on the flipside (and there always seems to be one) SAD, lonely and seeing that there is no one with whom I can relate... just so alone - in every way... my sister calls me a time traveler and today said something really profound - that sometimes "the loneliest place is being at the hottest party being surrounded by an entourage"... and it just hit home... I am NOT what I seem, NOT what others see... I am sweet and gentle and kind and lovely and loving - but unable to connect... apparently I am the only one in my group/category/zone/space..ing to terms with the fact that I am always going to be the only person in my group - that there is (not now or ever) going to be a person who connects with me... that without my art to speak for me, that no one will ever have a clue about my vulnerability, my broken heart, my abuse, my desire for healing and wholeness, my overwhelming sense of loss - that this person (me) will never experience acceptance, love and a partnership because I am so different that there is no one who will ever "get" me...ever... ever...ever What a shame, what a waste, what a tragedy - I am an amazing person filled with love and wonder and grace. I feel (some think too much, others think not enough) SO much for our planet, our pets, our future. I am overwhelmed with sadness at all the pain we inflict upon each other and even sadder about the pain we inflict upon ourselves. . . so much pain in the world - so much sadness and sorrow - so much negativity and pain - why? I am too sensitive too caring - too much ... for me... not enough for me... conflicted - I am strong and weak, hard and soft, kind and mean, brilliant and stupid... I am just human and I hate it! Conflicted about it all...
Posted on: Tue, 24 Sep 2013 00:09:37 +0000
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