SOME IRISH JOKES Mary Clancy goes up to Father OGrady after his Sunday morning service, and shes in tears. He says, So whats bothering you, Mary my dear? She says, Oh, Father, Ive got terrible news. My husband passed away last night. The priest says, Oh, Mary, thats terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests? She says, That he did, Father. The priest says, What did he ask, Mary? She says, He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun... . . . . Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in OLearys apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael OConner looks around and asks, Well, me boys, someone gots to tell Paddys wife. Who will it be? They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, dont make a bad situation any worse. Discreet??? Im the most discreet Irishmen youll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me. Gallagher goes over to Murphys house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home. Tell him to drop dead!, says Murphys wife. Ill go tell him. says Gallagher. . . . . An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. So, says the cop to the driver, where have ya been? Why, Ive been to the pub of course, slurs the drunk. Well, says the cop, it looks like youve had quite a few to drink this evening. I did all right, the drunk says with a smile. Did you know, says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car? Oh, thank heavens, sighs the drunk. for a minute there, I thought Id gone deaf. . . . . Brenda OMalley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. Brenda, may I come in? he asks. Ive somethin to tell ya. Of course you can come in, youre always welcome, Tim.. But wheres my husband? Thats what Im here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery Oh, God no! cries Brenda. Please dont tell me. I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. Im sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. How did it happen, Tim? It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned. Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly? Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee. . . . . A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, Aint no use knockin, theres no paper on this side either.
Posted on: Mon, 28 Jul 2014 07:31:06 +0000
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