SUNDAY SERMON FROM THE IRREVEREND: Several months ago I had this young woman as a client, and I wish you all could have met her. She was lovely and bright and ambitious; and hungered for knowledge. Unfortunately she had a lot of baggage, got into some trouble with a marijuana possession charge, and had to come see me. I can’t tell you her real name, but for the sake of the story, let’s call her Sally. Her story is horrific, but not that unusual in the drug counseling business. When they have to come see me, I spend most of my time convincing the client they have a problem. Not at all with Sally. She knew she had a problem with marijuana and she wanted help. I don’t know how she could’ve fallen through the cracks at school, but she did. Both parents were addicts. Her mother drank and used marijuana, and spent most of the money they had gambling. Her father used methamphetamine, and was in and out of prison; currently in. She was an only child, and spent many, many hours alone. Her mother’s sister came to her house occasionally, to molest her. Sally had this place under her bed that she would crawl into, when she saw her aunt’s car pull into the driveway. She called it her tank, and spent all day in there one time. She loved school, but said that she never told the teachers what was going on at home, because she felt that if she did, she’d be taken away from her parents, and given to her aunt. She quit school at sixteen, to go to work. She was introduced to marijuana by a boyfriend, and recalled to me that she experienced almost instant relief from all the supposed stress she was under. She told me that she could’ve lived with everything that was going on, except for the fact that her parents continued to tell her how worthless she was; how she was a mistake to begin with, and that she would not amount to anything. She worked at menial jobs, finally saved enough to get her own place, and moved out of her mother’s house. Of course, her mother has disowned her because Sally was the only breadwinner. Without Sally, mom was in bad shape. That’s even more reason to have mom call Sally all kinds of ugly names. Enter Capstone, enter me. It’s pretty plain that Sally could use regular mental health therapy, a psychiatric evaluation and some good medication. But when Sally’s mental state is directly related to her drug use, we talk about her life. In Sally’s case, we talk about shame. I hate that word. Guilty is okay; it’s healthy to be guilty. Guilty says, “I did bad.” Shame is entirely different. It says, “I am bad.” I don’t know anybody that is bad. I know a lot of good people pulling some bad stuff though. Anyway, how did I try to help Sally? What incentives could I offer Sally, in order for her to motivate herself for change? I’m going to tell you like I told her, but it took me several weeks to do it. It’s a what to do/what not to do story. If you have what I call a shame-based personality, and if this helps any of you, good! First, what not to do….. Don’t just accept what other people say about you. Recognize that you’re being lied to, what they’re saying isn’t true. The truth is you’re a valuable and worthwhile individual. Choose to believe that this is true. Accept and don’t reject yourself. Don’t defend your actions, or your point of view to others. Realize that it is pointless to argue against those who are in the habit of shaming, and putting you down. They don’t care about the truth, so save your breath and don’t waste your time. Don’t think you have to put up with being treated in this way, and that you have to be nice to or accept a toxic person. Avoid the person who is causing you such grief. You don’t need that kind of nasty individual in your life, even if it is your parent. Don’t feel that you’ve no power, or no say in how you’re treated. Recognize and resist when they attempt to control you by embarrassing, shaming or manipulating you. Relationships are based on a healthy respect. You discuss and negotiate, you don’t try to control. Second, what to do….. Do remember that “Nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your consent.” When others try to dump on you, refuse to take it. Healthy people don’t dump shame on others. So, recognize that the problem is theirs, not yours. Do remove yourself from the influence of the shamer. That’s not a healthy place for you to be. If it’s a close family member and you have some obligation, make the visit short and sweet. Remember who the most important person in the world is…..You. When you begin to feel more confident, respectfully tell them that you’re not accepting that kind of treatment any longer. Then walk away. Deliberately surround yourself with healthy people who can see your strengths and who will treat you well. Notice and affirm your good qualities and strengths, and stop thinking of those lies that the shamer dumped on you. Focus only on the positives, and choose to LOVE YOURSELF! I wish all of my stories could end this well. Sally came to see me weekly for about three months. We worked on one or two of these things every week, and she began to get it. She got a mental health evaluation and sees a therapist regularly.. She’s on some good meds prescribed by our psychiatrist, and no longer needs the marijuana to self-medicate. She’s gotten a better job, her GED, and has started college at DMACC. She does continue to see her mother occasionally, but not for very long. At Sally’s insistence, her mother did come see me for a session or two, but she cancelled an appointment, and I have not heard from her since. Sally calls me once in a while. She’s happy, she has a new boyfriend, and she’s looking forward. I always tell her how proud I am of her. Thank you. See you next week.
Posted on: Sun, 06 Jul 2014 12:00:22 +0000