So in the earlyish 1900s people like me were thought to be feeble minded, and not fit to carry on the position of an upstanding citizen. (Hold a job, carry on a conversation) my life as a gay adhd kid Let me tell you a little story. Growing up I knew I was different. I was a kid being raised by a single mom. When I was five we moved in with a man that would soon be someone I called dad. Things changed. I had been able to kind of take care of my self. I could make mac and cheese on my own and loved to do so. When we moved in with dad I wasnt allowed to do that anymore. He hated the fact that I didnt listen to him. But I know that I tried really hard to be able to, I just couldnt keep any kind of focus. When I was 7 I learned how to ride a bike with the help of Justin. He was probably the closest friend I had. He lived right across the street and I loved him like a brother. School was no different with my focus issues, but I was supposedly smart. I went to Kerr elementary and they put me in a class that had both 2nd and 3rd graders combined. (I dont know for sure but the 2nd graders in the class were supposed to be the ones who were on a higher learning level or something? ) then my mom ( Janiece ) was pregnant with my brother John and after she had him we moved to an apartment. Woodcreek in tulsa just down the street from our house. I remember not understanding why we moved and why I didnt get to see my best friend anymore. Thats really when the focus issues started to peek out from under the veil of my 8 year old brain. It was bad, I started to just be in my own little world. I barely heard people around me talking (or at least it seemed that way). We moved to chelsea oklahoma. Coming from tulsa that was a big deal. There werent many different colors other than white there. I tested to see what grade I should be in (I was in 3rd in tulsa at this point in time) they wanted to put me in 4th grade. So basically I tested pretty high I guess and they thought 4th grade would be a good fit for me. My parents refused atm kept me in 3rd. So I started McIntosh elementary with the other 3rd graders and was put in Mr. Drivers class. I was a weird looking kid with long kind of stringy blonde hair and BIG pink plastic glasses. I looked like a bug. I was also very hyperactive. Im sure Mr. Driver had a very hard time with me, but for some reason he was one of my favorite teachers. Of course i was picked on, made fun of (I assumed it was because I was funny looking plus I started going there in the middle if the year) and became very depressed. I was put on Ritalin for my hyperactivity and a.d.d., but it made me feel like I was in a tunnel. I felt so weird. I cant even really explain it. I became very emotional and never wanted to go to school. I guess my parents just thought that it was because I was new there and I hadnt made friends yet. But I knew that the Ritalin was the reason. I only felt that way when I was taking it. By the fourth grade, I was very different and you could tell I was. I was blunt and tired all the time. I had crushes on girls (but Id had them since I was five so that hadnt changed), but none of the other girls talked about them, so neither did I. My teachers were always getting on to me for something, so I felt like I needed to be better. No chance of that though, as I got older, I got in trouble more and more. It was like I couldnt stay away from trouble. It was my middle name by then (lol) and I was either being spanked at home or in trouble with the principle at school. Either way I couldnt win. But here came middle school. A time for me to reinvent my self and be popular. (Obviously I wasnt, never have been but oh well right?) I cut my hair off. (My dad was PISSED) I grew it back out. I was totally in love with this chick (who wasnt?), and I was hyper and unfocused (nothing new, but it seemed to get worse the older I got) SOFTBALLLLLL (lol) oh yeah I also started band (for real) in middle school. I had played the flute and hated it but my mom let me try again with A SNARE in 7th grade. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. I started to feel like I was a part of something cool. In that first year of band I managed to be the resident 2nd chair snare and managed to edge matt out ONCE for first chair and thats when I felt the fire to be better. Mr. O was actually able to keep me focused. I dont know how he did it. But I think it was the music. But my grades had started to plummet. Being picked on and hazed all the time. From being called some of the worst names you can imagine, to not being able to just be myself, my grades surely did suffer. I was hyperactive and I felt stupid all the time because I couldnt learn. If you put it in my hands and showed me how to do something, I could do it, but if you made me read it, I learned NOTHING. (Which is weird because I escaped into books!) I read alot, played softball alot, played my snare drum alot and played a lot of video games and thought about girls alot. Thats what I did. I couldnt keep focus on ANYTHING ELSE. I had to do chores in the morning and I always forgot, and was always in trouble for something stupid. I felt like the world was out to get me and became paranoid that it really was (sometimes I still am). I played cymbals in my first year of marching band which I hated. I almost quit music all together. I had trouble learning the parts but I could play everyone elses part no problem. I asked Mr o why I was a cymbal when it knew I was better than that. He told me there werent enough snare drums. Which made me even madder. My freshman year I was finally a snare and I was pretty good but still not as good as matt was, and it felt like I was always in competition with him. I hated the fact that he could stay focused and that was the only thing stopping me. I believe I was put on Adderall around this time and it made me feel crazy so I was also put put a prozac. I was on uppers and downers throughout high school and seriously thought I was crazy. I had an even bigger crush on this chick and wrote poems about her all the time. Adhd reared its head big time In high school though, and of course In failed (almost) all of my classes except English and literature. I had honors English I I I with machin and Im sure she hated me. BUT I loved that class and music. I quit playing softball because the coaches told me to. I also quit the band but people talked me into sticking with it, so I did. I quit every other organization I was In because I couldnt keep focus on them. I was I wasnt choir, show choir (which I honestly sucked at) marching band, concert band and jazz band my senior year. I was voted most musical (although someone has told me that I wouldnt have been if they wouldnt have told everyone to vote for me) and I never finished college, hell hello never really even went to college. Im not smart enough for it. I cant even hold hold a conversation for 5 minutes with someone without getting distracted or bored out of my skull. So yes Im feeble minded and Im a non productive point in society. If someone figures out a cure for this chemical Imbalance WITHOUT medications that make me feel like like a zombie then let me know. I dont want to be like this anymore. But alot of people would tell me that I wouldnt be me if I wasnt like this. But think of the person that I COULD be if I wasnt like this. I know this post makes no sense. But can you now see how an adhd mind wanders?
Posted on: Tue, 02 Sep 2014 04:07:42 +0000