So through this experience Ive formed a handy list of things you shouldnt say to someone whose mourning a loss. I know theyre well intentioned and I used to say them myself but Ive been hearing a lot of this lately and its got to stop. 1. I understand how you feel. No. You absolutely do not. Losing a friend, a grandparent, an aunt/uncle is nothing at all like losing a parent. And even if you have lost a parent you didnt lose my/the mourning persons parent. Even siblings dont fully understand a persons pain because every relationship is unique. I know this comes from a place of empathy but when you say this or something similar to it it feels as if you arent validating the persons personal loss. Dont make it about yourself. 2. He/she is in a better place now. This one is particularly infuriating, especially said soon after the death of said loved one. The mourning person doesnt want them to be in a better place. They want them present. And how do you know the mourning person believes in an afterlife? Its best to leave this one unsaid entirely. 3. Everything happens for a reason. This one is pretty self explanatory - tread lightly unless you want a throat punch. 4. Time heals all wounds. No it doesnt. You dont heal, you simply adjust to the new circumstances. It never hurts any less. 5. At least *insert worse circumstance here*. Regardless of whether things could have been more painful, sadder, could have taken longer, etc; a dead loved one is a dead loved one. The circumstances of said death are irrelevant. 6. If you need anything dont hesitate to ask. Grieving people are unlikely to call and ask someone for help even if they need it. Instead, show up. Bring coffee/flowers/food/do their laundry/run errands etc. Every kind gesture is appreciated even if you havent been asked to do so directly. 7. So what are you gonna do with house/car/other possessions? Odds are they havent given it any thought at this point so why have you? 8. Be strong. No. Be strong for them. And for Gods sake, quit crying all over the members of the deceaseds most immediate family. You may be sad yourself but your pain doesnt even scratch the surface of their grief. Cowboy up. 9. *Insert unsolicited advice here*. Pretty straightforward I think. Entirely unnecessary. 10. You have so much to be thankful for! Yeah, and? Grieving people can be happy later. This is a time to feel sad. If they want to get right back to work or school then all the power to them. If they want to lay in bed all day eating Snickers bars and being miserable let them do just that. Theres no right or wrong and its not for you to decide whether or not they should be feeling happy or thankful.
Posted on: Fri, 15 Aug 2014 01:37:20 +0000
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