Somewhere along the line, I dont know when exactly, but somewhere...I got tripped up. See, I used to spend a lot of time thinking and talking about Jesus. I would ask questions about who He was to people, what He was like, what He did and said we should do. I would have amazing conversations with strangers and friends and family about the most influential person to ever walk the earth. I would talk about the ideals He showed us, the miracles He demonstrated and said we could also do. Ive seen the lame walk, the deaf hear, and countless diseases bow to His name. But somewhere in the midst of all that, I started talking a lot more about Christianity than about Jesus. Somewhere along the line, in between my realization that we are ambassadors of Gods Kingdom on this strange, hostile little planet and the dramatic growth of our social network and global reach, I became very frustrated. I became very frustrated with the state of the church because there are an infinite number of people whose lives have been devastated by what they call Christianity. I have always done my best to be a voice for the voiceless - to offer hope to the hopeless and healing for the hurting. But I discovered quickly that when you talk about Jesus - I mean actually talk about Him, what He did, and what He said - you are going to make people angry. Youre going to make people whose pocketbooks and little religious kingdoms depend on people not thinking for themselves very, very upset. When you talk about Jesus, you dont really provide much room for debate because Jesus doesnt mince words and meant what He said. He was a force that toppled, and continues to topple, entire regimes of controlling, manipulative, deceptive powers. It can be very easy to get into the habit of talking more about those things than it is to talk about Jesus. He made a lot of statements, but He also asked a lot of questions. A lot of people who knew me years ago started following me because I presented myself as someone who had a lot of answers to questions theyd been wrestling with. At this point in my life, less than a month from my 31st birthday, I find myself as someone who often questions why Im here, what we are all doing on this crazy planet, and why there is so much deception, hatred, fear, and pain. I find myself with a lot more questions than answers. I look back over the years at all of the plans I had to save the world for Jesus and it is bittersweet - because most days I feel like I dont even know what I believe any more. Ive seen great evil, and I have seen a greater good. Everything in me wants to believe that there is hope for everyone on this planet. Everything in me burns to see people treat each other like people and not projects, or situations to be fixed. This is hard for me, as I am constantly trying to fix things and make them better. But like I said - somewhere along the line, I took my focus away from serving the people right in front of me to feeling like I had to defend my actions and beliefs to those who disagreed with me. Ive lost more friends than I can count who I opened up to, trusted, and poured my heart out to simply over doctrinal differences or in moments when I confessed my own doubts about things. Im at a point where I want to focus on living more simply - to again put my attention on whats right in front of me rather than trying to fix everything thats wrong with Christianity Today (the magazine and just in general). Social media has provided everyone a voice - and frankly, most days anymore I just hate it because of how noisy it has become. It feels like an echo chamber with little to no original thought and Ive wrestled intensely with wanting to just walk away from all of it. I will most likely be changing the name of this page soon because it has not reflected my heart for a very long time. I came up with the name at the height of my charismatic church stage and unfortunately I feel that it has improperly communicated to onlookers that I am someone that I am not. I am a fellow journeyman with you on this bizarre plane of existence. I have seen miracles with my naked eye occur in the name of Jesus and have wrestled for far too long with trying to fit in with all of the back and forth spiritual trends that happen on the internet. I am a follower of Jesus Christ - and many days I do not know what that means - but one thing I do know, is that I am thankful to call many of you friends. I do not envision myself as some holier than thou spiritual leader. I have always done my best to be as transparent as possible with our readers because that is what I expect and appreciate from others. If I have offended you or snapped at you in moments of personal weakness, I apologize. These last few years for me and my wife have been some of the most intense, crazy, and frustrating days of our lives. We live in an age when nothing is private, so I endeavor to be as honest as possible about who I am, what Im thinking and what I feel. To be totally honest, I do not have a clue why so many people have looked up to me over the years - primarily because I know better than most all of my flaws, my temper, and how quickly I can snap about things. I guess this all is a post about the grace of God. I appreciate you, dear reader. Your patience, your support, your love, and yes even the occasional hateful message that has me evaluating if there is something that Im doing or communicating that is not good. I dont know where this journey is all leading to - but I am at a point where Im trying to remember that we are not traveling it alone.
Posted on: Sun, 24 Aug 2014 03:04:16 +0000
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