TEASER TIME... UNEDITED AND SUBJECT TO CHANGE..... I sit crossed legged on the bed and watch him get ready for work as usual. I chew my nails uncontrollably and tap my foot out of anxiety for what will happen when he leaves. I don’t want him to go, but I can’t bring myself to tell him why. He pulls on his jeans as his eyes meet mine. His passive face scares me almost as much as being alone without him. “You’ll be here when I get home,” I wonder if this is a question or a statement. I nod my response but inside I’m hiding from it. He turns away and walks out for a few moments and walks back in with his boots. When he sits on the edge of the bed I crawl to him and wrap my arms around his body. He pauses his actions, and I know I should let him go, but I don’t. Instead I hold him tighter. Right now, I need it. “Don’t.” he whispers as the tears starts to fall down my cheeks and wet his skin. I choke back a sob and let him go with nothing in return. I don’t know why I do this and god; I just want it to stop. I want the anxiety to calm and the world to spin my way. But it never will. The world will always spin the opposite way to what I want because that is just my shitty luck. I don’t have the courage to change anything right now, I know this, and he does too. I sit back on my heels and watch him pull on each boot. He shakes his head a few times and I want to push him but I internally beg myself not too. He doesn’t ask about the marks but he knows they are there. Last night, he had traced the bruising around my throat. I shiver involuntary. My hand cups my throat as I hold back the tears that started. I need to stop myself, because if I don’t, I am weak. I need to be strong or the damage is always worse. I close my eyes tight and breathe deep… I will my happy place to take me, to settle me into a happy medium were nothing will hurt, nothing will break me, and nothing will make me feel… “Gary is taking me to work, Baby.” His lips touch mine in a soft kiss. I open my eyes and watch him stand and start to walk away. When he reaches the door he stops. Both his hands ball into fists and he turns abruptly. Before I have time to think I am on my back and his body is covering mine. One of his hands pins both of mine above my head, the other traces the marks around my throat. “Be a good girl, and keep your hands to yourself while I am at work.” He speaks against my skin as he kisses the marks. “I…” as I speak he covers my mouth with his stopping me from telling him the truth. As his tongue brushes mine, I become consumed by him. In the moments like this what we have feels normal. In this moment we are just two people who share moments like this together. His grip on my hands weakens and I bring my hands down to his face, both my hands cupping his cheeks. I can feel him harden as I deepen our kiss. His grip on my throat tightens and the pain starts to deepen…. My mouth falls open, unsealing our kiss. He runs his tongue along my bottom lip, and then places a kiss on my cheek were a stray tear has settled. “You are mine.” Are his only words before he gets up and walks out the door… leaving me… again. I have a moment of clarity and rush over and push the door closed, locking it at the same time. I can hear the chatter from the kitchen through the wall and know it is only a matter of time before someone comes looking for me. My actions makes me feel sick, I feel my anxiety level rise more. I run back to the bed when I hear the chairs scraping along the old wooden floors in the room next to mine. As quickly as I can, I jump under the covers and close my eyes tight. I pray that today… will be different. The laughter gets closer and I hold my breath. (untitled) 2014.......
Posted on: Fri, 31 Jan 2014 10:56:35 +0000
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