THE BALLAD OF THE GIANT CHRISTMAS TREE MASSACRE OF 2014 One early December morning I awoke with a beautiful dream, To make a giant Christmas tree that would make all eyes in the neighborhood gleam! I knew I needed help, so I called my brother-in-law James, And off we went for a ladder, to bring a bad-ass Christmas to all the lames! We went to my work to pick out the tallest ladder, When my boss came out to see what was the matter. I asked to borrow the wooden A-frame with built-in extension, He said if I fell off it, that was automatic suspension! At home with extension the ladder was twenty feet tall! And still it wouldnt reach the top of the tree at all! You need a long pole, said Heather my wife. With a hook at the end so you dont endanger your life! Turns out we dont have a long pole for attaching lights. So we tried to make one to reach the tree-toppiest of heights. With broomsticks, twigs, table legs, rods, and poles And an insane amount of duct tape (No shit. Like three rolls). And just when we lifted it way up to the sky, One of the pieces broke, and I asked God Why?! I believe He replied because it started to rain, Which should have signaled the end of my pain. But I remembered a lesson from fire protection! Ive spent ten years running pipe in every direction! If I made a 40 foot light-hanger pole out of PVC, I wouldnt even need a ladder! How easy for me! So we packed up the death-ladder in the FPS truck, And drove back to Perry, and just my luck! Right on the way back theres a wonderful Lowes, I bought all the pipe and back home we goes! I put it all together because Im no wimp, But when I lifted it up it was far too limp! The top pipe was only three-quarter inch, And it was all bendy like a fat guy on a bench. So forthwith we traveled back to Lowes And traded the small pipe out for some big mo-fos. It was close to night and I was pretty well pissed, When who should come to the rescue but Chris! With Cassie watching he lifted the pipes skyward! And the lights finally stuck in the tree way up high-ward! We all thought the madness would finally stop! And thats when we noticed the strand wasnt... quite... at... the top. With pieces of pole and a fancy coat hanger, I tried to wind the lights round the tree with anger. The night came in as the day began to fade, And by then it was time for the Centerville parade. So I tried all day long and I got nothing done. I cant even begin to say it was fun! Next year Ill ask Santa for a different gift: And Ill decorate my tree with a 40-foot bucket lift! Or set it on fire. Amen.
Posted on: Mon, 08 Dec 2014 11:46:50 +0000
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