THE LADY OR THE TIGER PUZZLE Back when my Grand-daddy’s Grandpaw was still a young man, there was a rich Planter from Virginia who come to the Ozarks to make hisself even richer than he already was. His plantation Back East covered more land than you could shake a dead rattlesnake at. But land down here was so cheap, you could buy three or five mountains for what one of his barns cost back in Virginia. Besides, he wanted to have a big ol’ house on the top of a cliff, so’s he could look out over his property clean to the next county. So, he bought a few thousand acres out in the wild country back of Hookram’s Mountain. This feller bought a ruined castle in Romania and brought it over in pieces to build his house from. He brought bricks and fine hardwood lumber all the way from Kansas City, and shipped in fancy cut stone from somewheres in Europe. He hired the finest craftsmen to build his mountaintop home so bodacious grand and elegant that folks around here called him “The Baron.” Now this feller was no ignoramus — he was edgey-cated and spent all his time readin’ books by the likes of Lewis Carroll, Sam Clemens, and Frank R. Stockton. (Sam was a local Missouri boy from up by Hannibal and used a fancy pen-name when he wrote, but I don’t remember what it was). The Baron read Stockton’s tale about the barbaric king who’d devised a method of trial-by-ordeal justice in which there was two doors. Behind one door was a hungry tiger, “the fiercest and most cruel that could be procured.” If the person on trial opened that door, why the tiger would spring upon him and tear him to pieces. But behind t’other door was the fairest and loveliest damsel in the land, and to this lady he would be immediately married with great ceremony ... if he picked that door. This story was an especial favorite of The Baron’s — he liked it almost as much as he liked Alice in Wonderland and Jabberwocky and Lewis Carroll’s mathematical puzzles. So the Baron had a special courtyard built into his house with three identical doors on each of three sides. A person would enter this court from an iron gate on the fourth side, and would have a total of nine doors to choose from instead of just two like in the story. Now, The Baron had a beautiful daughter named Emily, and she was in love with a local boy named Jack Downing, who was the cleverest lad in all the Ozarks. Jack asked The Baron for Emily’s hand in marriage; and the old Planter told him that he could marry the gal iffen he was smart enough to choose the right door. There bein’ no tigers in Missouri, The Baron sent out men to catch some of the local wild beasts and put them into his puzzle. Behind one of the nine doors on the courtyard was a ferocious Paynter, the legendary giant black panther of the Ozarks. Behind another door was a savage Gowrow, a 20-foot long lizard with tusks, spikes on its back, and a whanger on the end of its long tail. Another door concealed an especially mean Giasticutus, a humongous hawk-like bird with a wingspread of fifty feet and capable of carryin’ off a full-growed cow ! Another door led to a hungry Bingbuffer, a hippopotamus-like monster with jaws like a pelican and a long, flat tail that it uses like a catapult to throw stones to kill its prey. (It carries the stones in its big mouth). Hidin’ behind a yet another door was an aggrivated Nighbehind, a fearsome monster whose hind legs are ten times longer than its front legs. (Nobody knows for certain what a Nighbehind looks like, because they always hide behind the nearest object). Beyond the next door was a Galliwampus, an amphibious monster that was a cross between a Paynter and a gigantic mink. Galliwampuses never attack human people unless they’re cornered. But of course, this one was cornered — in the little room behind the door. Behind some of the doors was empty rooms. And behind the last door — dear, sweet Emily, along with a chestfull of silver for her dowery. But which door was which? — Only The Baron knowed for sure. The Baron made Jack’s choices even more difficult. He posted a sign on each of the doors, and said to Jack: “Now some of these signs here is lies. But the sign on the door leadin’ to my daughter is true as God’s word. The signs on the door leadin’ to the empty rooms may be either truth or lies, I ain’t tellin’. The signs on doors for the monsters are all lies. Hah ! — Go figgur that out!” “Woah,” said Jack. “It can’t be done. That ain’t fair ! At least tell me whether Door #8 leads to an empty room ...” “Oh, all right,” said The Baron, and he told Jack that. Then The Baron left the courtyard and locked the big iron gate behind him. Jack was now alone, locked in the mysterious courtyard with nine doors confrontin’ him. Behind six of the doors was fearsome monsters. Two doors led to empty rooms. One door led to Emily. The Baron was watchin’ from an upstairs window as Jack made his choice. Of course, Jack Downing found Emily behind the first door he tried. Some folks say that he then opened all the other doors, too, and whipped all the monsters with his bare hands — just to show The Baron what kind of lad he was … Jack left the chest of silver behind. Said he could support his own wife without any help of her ole Daddy’s money. That chest of silver is still settin’ there to this day. So — iffen you can figgur out which door Jack picked first, mebbe all that money can be yours …
Posted on: Sat, 13 Sep 2014 09:13:34 +0000
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