THE QUIZ Expanding on this core definition of narcissistic functioning as unilateral listening, here’s six signs for sizing up narcissism. Score each dimension from 0 to 10. Zero is not at all. Ten is all the time. First assess yourself. Then circle back to score someone in your life who is difficult to deal with. The goal: See your and others patterns clearly. Clarity is a strong first step toward being able to make changes for the better. Sign #1: Unilateral listening. What I want is all that matters. When we make decisions together, what you want, your concerns, your feelings..these are mere whispers, inconveniences and irrelevancies. When we discuss issues, my opinions are right. Yours are wrong or else of minimal importance. If you expect to have input, you are undermining me. Instead of listening in order to be responsive, narcissistic listening listens to dismiss, negate, ignore, minimize, denigrate or otherwise render irrelevant other people’s concerns. One specific indicator: frequent responses that begin with But...., which is linguistically a backspace-delete key. Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Sign #2 It’s all about me. I know more, I know better, I’m more interesting, When we talk, it’s mostly about me. In conversations, I take up most of the air time. Almost all of my chatter is about what I have done, what I am thinking about. If you begin to talk about yourself, I link back to something in my life so that the focus of the discussion again becomes all about me. Maybe thats why people say I suck up all the air in a room. When I want something, I need to have it. Never mind how you feel about it; it’s all about me. I’m big and important and you are merely also here, mostly to do things for me, like a third arm. Narcissistic people are sometimes, and even often, generous. The difficulty with trusting a narcissist to take actions that are sympathetic to your interests comes at the times when what they want is contrary to what someone else wants. Odds are that at these times they will act in a manner that is selfish, that is, responsive only to their own concerns. Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Sign #3: The rules don’t apply to me. I can have affairs, cut into a line where others are waiting, cheat on my taxes, and ignore rules that get in the way of my doing what I want.. Rules are for other people to follow. Narcissists suffer from what I call Tall Man Syndrome. They experience themselves as above others, so the rules dont apply to them. Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Sign #4: Your concerns are really criticisms of me, and I hate being criticized. If you insist on my listening and taking your concerns seriously I’m likely to get mad. Criticism hurts. I can criticize others, and often do, but if you criticize me you’re hurting my feelings so I’ll hurt you back. Narcissists paradoxically manifest both an inflated idea of their own importance and quickness to feel deflated by negative feedback. In addition, because they think everything is about them, they hear others’ attempts to talk about personal feelings as veiled criticisms of themselves. The clinical term for taking others concerns as personal criticism is called personalizing. E.g., If she says Im feeling lonely, her narcissistic friend will hear the self-statement as an acusation, You dont spend enough time with me. Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Sign #5: When things go wrong between us, it’s always your fault. I can’t be expected to apologize or to admit blame. I’m above others and above reproach. You shouldn’t have… . Don’t threaten me with expecting me to say how I’ve contributed to a problem or I’ll get mad at you. Unwillingness to take responsibility for mistakes goes hand-in-hand with quickness to blame. This trait may come from confusing the part with the whole. If Ive done one thing thats not right, then I must be all bad. Thats also all-or-nothing thinking. Whatever the source of the sensitivity to criticism and difficulty admitting mistakes, the upshot is a tendency to blame others when anything has gone wrong. Blaming and fault-finding in others feel safer to narcissists than looking to discover, learn and grow from their own part in difficulties. While narcissists are quick to blame, they may be slow to appreciate. Appreciation and gratitude are acts of giving. Narcissists, as I mentioned above, often pride themselves on how much they give to others and may make demonstrative shows of generosity; at the same time, people close to them are likely to EXPERIENCE THEM MORE AS TAKERS Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Sign #6: If I’m angry, it’s your fault. You made me mad. You didn’t listen to me. You criticized me. You’re trying to control me. Your view is wrong. So you need to apologize, not me. I’m not responsible either for my anger. If I’m mad, my anger is your fault. Im only made because you ... Some narcissists show major charm and social agility. At the same time, these seemintly super-confident folks also can be quick to anger. When they do become inflamed, they then immediately blame their anger on others. What are typical anger triggers for people with narcissistic tendencies? Critical comments will do it. As I said above, as much as narcissisitc folks see themselves as special, they also can be remarkably thin-skinned. Any feedback that punctures their belief in total specialness can feel quite threatening. The immediate response will be to issue blame. Telling anyone what to do, or sounding even somewhat like you are telling them what to do, is likely to provoke irritation. Pretty much everyone prefers autonomy (unless the two people have an agreed-upon boss-worker or similar relationship). Narcissists however tend to be hyper-sensitive about feeling controlled. Any request therefore to a narcissist is at risk for triggering irritation. Asking a narcissist to do something your way rather than theirs is particularly likely to sound to them like you are telling them what to do. Their anger then in response, of course, is your fault. Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 TOTAL SCORE: ___ What does this score indicate? Scores that total 5-10 probably indicate normal human fallibilities with room for improvement. Too much narcissism in your habits would be indicated by a total score of 10 or above. Pay attention to your narcissism lite and that score could come down considerably. A total score of 30 or higher spells significant narcissistic habits that probably do not serve you well. Time to make some serious habit changes! 40 to 60 would indicate to me severe problems with narcissism. With this understanding of why your relationships become distressed, hopefully you will commit yourself to some serious personal growth. What are your options if you are uncomfortable with the score? The bottom line is that narcissism is basically habit-patterns, and habits can be changed. You especially can change your own habits. Awareness of your own narcissistic tendencies is a strong first step that can empower you to notice and fix slippages. If someone you interact with regularly has narcissistic patterns, you can choose to change the dance you do with that person. For instance, you can choose that you will no longer let yourself be intimidated or controlled by fear of anger. Just gracefully leave the situation for a cool down period (“I need to get a drink of water.”), and then return for a calmer second-go at the conversation. With regard to rules violations you can choose to return like with like. If you could explain your concern to your partner, for instance, that if he or she flirts its upsetting to you, that would be ideal. Because a narcissist is unlikely to take your concerns seriously however, you may have to fight fire with fire, flirting yourself until the narcissist realizes that a no-flirting rule is one worth heeding. Having trouble getting your views heard? You can choose to speak up a second or third time about your concerns to increase the odds that they will eventually get heard. You can ask, after sharing a concern, “So what made sense to you in what I said?” And becoming a master at win-win problem-solving can put you in a leadership role for situations in which you need to make a decision together so that your eventual plan of action heeds both of your concerns. Almost everyone tends to behave less narcissistically when they are happy. Most of us tend to become increasingly narcissistic as anxieties prime the pump for quickness to anger. Anger promotes the sense that “What I want is holy, and what you want is irrelevant.” Thats why its so vital that in important conversations you stay calm. Talking about sensitive issues in calm good-humored ways without arguing has the highest odds of leading to mutual understandings instead of the narcissism trap. The bottom line? For a happier life and more gratifing relationships, especially if your scores indicated some narcissistic tendencies, tame these trends with better skills. Upgrading your listening and shared-decision-making skills can make a huge difference!
Posted on: Thu, 31 Oct 2013 10:22:31 +0000
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