TITLE: Thug Life EPISODE: 27 AUTHORS: Foxy, Flow & The Rock THE ROCK: I had been a jobless applicant roaming the streets of Kano for many years. I finished from akwa Ibom state university but my search for job made me trek all the way from Uyo to Kano, what would a man not do to get job in Nigeria. I passed a huge compound during one of my many treks and saw the sign post put outside for a job of a secetary. I studied English in school so i was really sure i would get the job. The english could be described as warri english because my lecturers spoke pidgin more than the main grammars. Kpam kpma i knocked at the gate. Na who be that? some one shouted from inside. Na one calabar boy i shouted back. Sorry, we no dey sell dog here the voice shouted back. Yeah, i forgot to tell una, i get long mouth, and i sabi forget wetin i suppose do sometime. Ehm oga sorry, i dey find work, i see say una need secetary i corrected myself. Ok, sorry, you know say some calabar men dey eye the dog wey this compound, i think say you be one of them A black hausa man with a skull cap came and opened the gate for me with a remote. Oboy yeah, so mai guard don dey use technology, me sef go upgrade if i get this work o, maybe me sef go dey use remote to sign paper or so i thought. The compound was really beautiful guards were on duty and i felt Ac while inside the compound. Chai, big man good o, God sef dey dash am AC breeze sepreate from our own i thought. The doors opened and an ugly looking man came out with four of his guards, if he and the gate man went for a beauty peagant the gate man would have won. I was directed to a top covered area were seat were and i was asked to seat down. Young man, can i know your name Alhaji asked. Eh, sir my name is Uduak peter Uhm,ok am called Alhaji Dankwambo, but you can call me Alhaji. Am sure you came concerning the job offer as a secetary? Yes sir, i shouted before he changes his mind. Its like i have seen you in my dream before, you were walking for me? Alhaji said. Wetin dey do this people sef, i resemble Joseph, almost anybody i meet usually tell me they saw me in their dream, i was terrifying, a man once chased me round town one day in the name of he saw me pursuing his wife in the dream to kill her, i think i really needed a face lift. No Alhaji, em yes, maybe its Allah that wanted to show you i would be a good secetary i said. Ok thats good, so what did you study in school? Alhaji i studied secetary development skills i lied, too many Job interviews had thought me never to say the truth except what the interviewer would love to hear. As an illitriate with too much money, Alhaji was combombulated by my course and deemed me fit to take the job. You are resuming immediately, my boys would take you in and give you new sets of clothes then later accomondation would be given to you Alhaji said as i jumped up and began thanking him. I was taken to my office which was a shade before the main entrance, everyone that wanted to see Alhaji must pass through me. I was grateful for the Job, atleast my trek from Uyo to Kano had not been in vain afterall. Alhaji informed me that two of his boys were bringing a package for him that afternoon so i was eager to find out who they were, i studied their Bio data form and saw that they were really special agents, i could not wait to meet them. A horn at the gate made the gate man run from his seat and got his remote, a white car came in the compound and two men who looked like will smith and co came out of the car. Alhaji, e be like say two actors don show i shouted into the telcom on my desk. Dont worry boy, its my boys i told you about, am coming down now the spirit of Jealousy quickly caught me, i wanted to be like them immediately, they looked smart and held the suppose suitcase Alhaji talked about. If i no be like this boys make i know wetin make me become calabar man. My name is Flow also known as 1759, while his name is Attai also known as alomo I know, My name is Uduak Peter, am the secetary here I wanted to prove to them i was a big boy also with alot of sense. The look the dude which i noticed had a drum head worried me. I hope this boy neva see me also for dream o i thought. They looked like they would swallow me when Alhaji voiced sounded like a Nokia 3310 ringing tone from behind me. Welcome boys.. Alhaji voiced sounded from my back, he was smiling, his boys in black were also glad to see it. But Alhaji was smiling which was not a good sign, if that the mai guard smiled it would have been better but instead the smile mad his smile look worse. The boys handed over the suitcase to Alhaji, my eye followed the suitcase like terminator following its prey. Alhaji snapped the suitcase combination as it fillepd open, different bundles of currencies made my eyes bulged wider. My mouth began to water but Flow and Attai eyes were opened wider, all eyes was on the suitcase Alhaji was holding. Heres yours, and you too Alhaji shared one bundle each for Flow and Attai, i was rubbing my palms in anticipation of my own share, instead Alhaji gave them their Atm cards instead. Chai so na me no get anything, e no good o The boys were happy and big smiles appeared on their face, they did not even do like they saw me. Where my own na Flow? is said as Alhaji closed his suitcase and dismissed his boys then walked away. Flow gave me a hot slap which caused ripples all over my body. I fell on the ground and began elevating to Heaven, my spirit came out and was elevating high, i saw Attai and Flow looking at my convulsing body. Ehen, una go go prison while i dey go heaven i thought Oga micheal, i dey hail o o greeted Angel Micheal at the gate. You are welcome my son, i hope your name would be in my book Yes na, me dey go church everytime i boasted. He opened his book and that moment a gun like sound shouted, my spirit ducked under the golden table. Yeah, Angel , dem don dey fight civil war for heaven? i said but there was no reply. I came out from under the table and saw the angels all holding their nose and looking at me angrily. Wetin happen na? i asked. You no well, so you go die for where person with Iron mess dey, see as him Mess don scatter my book, oya dey go back to your body now I was thrown back to my body and opened my eyes, i was smiling, atleast me sef don go heaven come back. Flow was guarding his nose with his hands while insulting Attai. I wanted saying that it was Attai fart that drove me back from heaven but another slap would have sent me this time to hell so i kept mute. Na Epilepsy dey catch me sometimes o, i wanted to thank him for waking me back from dead with that hot fart but they looked at their selves and fled like they were under remote control. If una like make una run na, i go meet una again, that money i most follow chop am, or so i thought NEXT DAY... Uduak come and take this letter to my boys house, you would stay with them in the main time Alhaji gave me the best news of the centuary. If say Alhaji na woman i for embrace am but i controlled my self and ran out of the compound in Joy Attai mr Alomo and flow mr 1759 here i come i said as i took a bike to their house. Their houseboy/mai guard opened the gate for me, i pushed him and entered inside. Na wetin i dey find he said with his hausa tongue. I get message for Flow and Attai, from Alhaji i said. He quickly began shouting their names, i had peeped into the file i was sent and saw that they had been given office work like me, it was time to pay them back. The look in Attai eyes changed from that of pleasure to horror, he was really angry, that moment i broke the deadrock. Alhaji said i would be staying here with una i said smiling. They almost slap me, Attai was breathing fire from his ears while Flow was looking at me like Big show looking at Rey misterio. Oya Haruna carry am go your run, na your new tenant be that Attai said. Haruna that was smiling suddenly frown his face, he knew he was in for a big poo but since they were the boys he did nothing but told me to follow him. Flow and Attai was smiling like they won a lotto, i was happy that i was still going to leave in a nice house but i was suprise when Haruna showed me the boys quaters apartment where his room was. A tear drop from my eyes, Attai and Flow, una go pay for this nonsense; i muttered. So inside this big house na boys quater them dash me, not even only me, i was too share it with Haruna, maybe na time to show them i be Akwa Ibom man or so i thought... FOXY: Wanan yaro shege ne walahi **This boy is a bastard** Haruna cursed one Saturday morning as I stepped out of the house to collect vitamin K. The sun had come out earlier than usual giving the harmattan a warmth. Those that grew in Kano or core north will understand this illustration. When you wake up and realize that the sun is up, only one part of your compound is illuminated. What do you do? You walk towards the sunlight and squat underneath it, basking in its warmth while the wind of the harmattan rages around you. Haba malam Haruna, mai ya yi? **Thats not fair haruna, what did he do** I asked him, obviously interested in what the new boy would do since he had been keeping much to himself. Da safen nan, da na tashi daga baci, na bude ido na na gan wai yana taba buran sa. **I woke up this morning to see this dude touching his diickk Haruna paused, took the chewing stick he was eating ferociously out and pointed at Uduak who stood aside like a condemned thief. Ya na kallan jikin yar mata da basu sa riga ba a wani litafi **He was looking at nu-de women in a book** I was not in the least bit surprised. A calabar man that eats dog on a daily basis should definitely display its trait at any given opportunity. Uduak, is it true? I asked him, his head was hung down while his small body moved from side to side as he played with his toes. He was a small boy after all wanting to discover himself. There was a movement behind me which made me to turn around, Flow was coming out of the house with a bottle of Alomo in one hand and a glass cup in the other. It looked strange to see Flow drinking alomo in the morning. Na so the boy dey always do for backyard na, no be once no be twice. Flow said shaking his head. I collected the bottle from Flow and gulped down from it, smacking the bitterness all over my lips while thinking deep. Since the boy watches naked women, then we were safe. If it had been Haruna coming to meet me so early in the morning with a bleeding arse, it would have been a different case study. Uduak, you don fuk before? I asked him. The question seemed to startled him. Flow gave a low laugh as we waited for him to give us an answer. Yes oo, me na champion for bedematics. I don go marathon with 5 girls without any problem. Na the girls come dey beg me. He boasted, pushing his grasshopper chest forward to make him appear bigger. That means you sabi fukk well well be that Flow asked so as to be sure we heard the right thing. Na me be king Solomon for ikot-ekpene (apologies to my akwa-ibom and calabar brothers). This time he lifted his tiny hand to beat on his tiny chest. I looked at the smallish being in front of me, a wicked thought creeping slowly into my head. I looked at Flow who smiled and sipped from the bottle of alomo, the cup he held being useless. He passed me the bottle which I gulped with relish. I made to pass it to Uduak. No o Oga, I like to dey use my ordinary energy. Wow. We were taken by surprise. Haruna had to laugh as he had been restraining himself. His laugh came in short burst. Oga walahi, this boy I no dey fear fa. I dey form boss for here Haruna dropped his discombobulated grammar. I had to laugh. Haruna, you go allow am use your room? I asked Haruna since he owned the flat they were both using. Oga, no frovlem walai, I go give am for maganin buran tashi if im want walai **maganin buran tashi = hausa Viagra** Haruna replied smiling sheepishly. Flow was already dialing a number on his phone. Babe, can you come over. Okay.. in an hours time... alright... Come prepared o.. Owk... Take care. He dropped the call, he faced Uduak, his once smiling face contorted. Na men dey this house. You go prove your worth or we go send you go back go meet Alhaji. Flows voice sounded like iron. I never knew he took the whole boastfulness of Uduak serious. Uduak on his part pushed his tiny chest forward. He sure had guts I concluded. Something big was about to go down. Watchout for episode 28 Target: 28 Likes
Posted on: Wed, 22 Oct 2014 07:31:25 +0000
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