TO ALL THAT I HAVE DARED TO CALL BROTHER, SISTER, FRIEND, HOMIE, BUDDY, OR AN ASSOCIATE: I want to take the time to publicly apologize to you all and say that I am sorry. I am sorry for not being the friend you needed nor the friend that I considered or portrayed myself to be. Ive been reflecting heavily on a 9-10 year period of my life (2003-2013) in which I was blessed to meet, fellowship, and connect with a number of wonderful people. However, It is rare that I communicate or connect with any of those people as of present day, if at all. I asked myself honestly, Where did all of those people go? What happened? After sifting and wading through the surface crap in my mind like; it was our season to separate; they hurt me; they cant go where Im going...blah blah blah, I realized that there was a hard truth that I had to come to grips with about myself. The truth is that during this 10 year stretch of time, I was not a good friend and I hurt a lot of people because I was a bad person. I was a hurt person. I was a man existing in pain. I portrayed myself as one with great spiritual insight & gifting but all the while my heart was continuously bleeding from a tremendous amount of unresolved pain from my past. I used that pain as a wall, as a shield of sorts, to create an intimidating emotional facade resting behind a physically imposing stature...or so at least I thought. I tried to self medicate but to no avail. Some people offered help or assistance but I declined. Those who needed access to me were shut down or pushed away. I hid myself behind my gift to serve in hopes that I would just blend into the crowd; but yeah, that didnt work... As one who once existed in a constant state of emotional pain, I thought in some skewed way that this is how a christian or a believer must live and I have no idea where I got that lie from. So the pain I tolerated, suppressed, & numbed myself to, became the pain that I sowed into other people; along with anger, malice, strife, discontent, hate, fear, insecurity, frustration, discord, alienation, solitude, offense, confusion, judgement, bitterness, rebellion, & mercilessness...just to name a few. So I answer my original question with this statement: I reap/harvest presently,what I sowed during that time. I hurt a lot of good people; probably more than I can picture in my mind. So I decided to write this public apology not gain back the friendships lost or to make it like it was, but simply to make amends for the hurt & pain that I caused publicly or privately. I declare healing, wholeness and restoration of the heart to all that I affected or infected directly or indirectly. Currently, Im a year removed from intensive counseling, I have forgiven myself for the man i once was, and I am learning anew about the gospel of the Grace of GOD. I pray Abbas grace upon you all and maybe someday youll be able to do the same for me, if that becomes your choice. Regardless of that choice, I can honestly say that I Love You All!!! #Grace #Peace #Truth #Love #Forgiveness Continuously learning to love GOD, learning to love me, & learning to love others... KT
Posted on: Tue, 06 Jan 2015 17:53:56 +0000
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