Ten ways I am changed from the last twelve months. My heart is open wider to those who have experienced loss. Where I could only sympathize before, I can now empathize with someone who has the difficult task of watching their loved ones deteriorate the way I did. First, my grandpa with broken ribs that snowballed into pneumonia. Then my grandma a short seven months later where back pain spiraled into a terminal cancer diagnosis and an infection that took her from us in fewer than four days. I understand the emptiness that grief and heartbreak leave you with. A pain that can only be compared to laying in bed at your most tired and never getting comfortable enough to fall asleep. I know what its like to watch someone take their last breath. I know what it feels like to convince yourself that holding someones hand for countless hours is just that - holding their hand. My eyes have seen 4AM more times than Id like to count. Sometimes from being hard at work. Sometimes from hurt. Sometimes from having fun. The reward is all the same. I have found strength in vulnerability. Where and when I have opened up I have been met with open arms and knowing that I am surrounded by some of the most fantastic people this world has to offer, I am more than grateful. I have learned that where you give - you are provided with that back, tenfold. I experienced this both through the friendships I have made and through the hundreds of people who reached out when my grandparents died. Ive discovered what I want and need from the relationships I have. More importantly - that they can be the same thing and that is okay. I am more aware of myself and have new initiative to better who I am. I dont take for granted the time I have with people anymore. Partially from the losses Ive experienced, partially from being taken for granted. Ive learned the difference between sweating the small stuff and when the small stuff is really a symptom of a much larger problem. My gut has always known the difference, my heart still has a hard time drawing the line. Ive witnessed love lost and love found in ways I dont care to acknowledge here. Ive let go of things I cannot control and come to terms with things I cannot change. Normally when I welcome in a new year, I have an idea of whats in store. Theres usually something to look forward to. For 2015, theres no way it couldnt keep looking up. To 2014, I say good riddance.
Posted on: Wed, 31 Dec 2014 02:04:59 +0000
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